Perfect Strangers
by eorocks
Summary: Elliot and Olivia have a chance meeting... This takes place in about mid Season 14. Not canon. Not my characters, except the ones I've made up myself.
1. Chapter 1

Of all the times she'd imagined this scenario, it had never unfolded like this.

Various scenarios had played through her mind. He would finally break down and come to the precinct filled with regret and tripping over his words as he apologized for leaving. Or, in one of her weaker moments, she would cave and drive to Queens, walking up the steps and boldly knocking on the door and asking me where the hell he got off thinking he could treat her like that. She imagined there might be anger and harsh words. Maybe even a harsh slap across his face. At other times, she had imagined she'd break down, complete with tears and hugs and words of regret and longing.

But this…

She had never imagined a scenario like this. An accidental meeting…in a city this size…seemed improbable…nearly impossible.

And yet…there he was. No more than 30 feet away from her.

She'd been deep in discussion, having dinner with Barba, when she'd heard his voice break through the din of the clinking silverware and muted discussions. She would have known that gravelly tone…that laugh…anywhere. It was imprinted on her brain, and her bodies response was automatic. She stopped talking mid-sentence, and lifted her head to look around the restaurant, trying to zero in on the where it was coming from. She had an advantage, as the view from their booth gave her a full view of the restaurant.

"Liv? Is something wrong?"

Olivia turned to look back at Barba. "No. I just thought I heard someone…" Before she could finish her sentence, she heard another laugh, and her eyes shot to the hostess stand. And there it was. There _he _was.

_Elliot._

Talking and laughing as if he hadn't a care in the world, his hand running casually down the arm of a stunning blonde woman standing next to him. As the hostess turned her attention towards him, he clasped the hand of his companion and pulled her slightly closer, smiling that devilish smile as he gave the name for his reservation. Olivia couldn't hear the words, but she could read his lips. _Stabler._

The last shred of hope she'd had…that maybe it was someone that looked incredibly _like_ Elliot…that sounded _exactly_ like him…was gone. It had only been a fleeting thought, and not a serious one. But she simply couldn't reconcile the fact that he was actually standing there.

"Liv…"

She felt Barba's hand on her arm, and she glanced at him briefly, registering the look of concern on his face, but she couldn't focus on him right now. She turned her attention back to Elliot. The hostess was looking down at something and gathering menus, and Elliot had turned his attention back to the blonde. As Olivia watched, he slid his arm around her waist and pulled her slightly closer.

_Son of a bitch._

Her anger spiked as she watched the interaction between the two of them. But moments later, it turned to pure panic, as the hostess motioned for Elliot and his companion to follow her. The path she was taking would lead them right past where Olivia was sitting, and there would be no way he could miss seeing her. The panic welled up inside, and she looked around for a menu…something…anything…to conceal her face, but there was nothing.

Olivia looked back towards Elliot, hoping they had turned in another direction. But it seemed unavoidable.

They were working their way through the tables. Elliot had been saying something to the blonde, diligently following the hostess, and unconsciously scanning the crowd. His gaze slid over her at first, and she breathed a sigh of relief. But it was short-lived because it was only second later when his head jerked back, and she saw the recognition in his eyes.

The smile on his face faded as his eyes locked on hers, and she imagined he was processing this chance meeting, much as she had. She was almost certain the look on his face mirrored hers; a strange combination of surprise and disbelief.

He stopped in his tracks, with a few tables still in between them, and Olivia could tell that Elliot didn't know what to do. His date was forced to stop as well, and Olivia saw her look up at him with a question on her face. She said something, but he ignored her…or didn't hear her. The woman's eyes followed his gaze and locked on her. Olivia could feel her perusal…her appraisal…and Olivia swore she tightened her hold on his hand. She saw Elliot say something to her as he slipped his hand from her grip, and the blonde glanced over at Olivia one last time before she turned and followed the hostess that was impatiently waiting a few tables over.

Olivia tensed, understanding his intent. He was going to come over to her table, and she wasn't prepared. She glanced over at Barba, and saw he was watching her. She just had seconds to explain, but there was no way she could make him understand twelve years of history and the significance of what was about to happen.

Elliot couldn't believe his eyes.

He'd been casually looking around the restaurant, never really expecting to recognize anyone…hardly paying any attention. And then…there she was.

_Olivia._

For the first six months after he'd left, he had _hoped_ for an accidental encounter…a chance meeting…like this one. He had wanted desperately to see her but had lacked the courage to seek her out.

But now…so much time had passed.

He stood rooted in place, seeing the same look of surprise on Olivia's face. He'd sent Cindy on to the table, already having made the decision that he would go over and speak to Olivia. It really wasn't a choice.

But he was scared.

He glanced at the dark-haired man in the expensive suit sitting next to her, trying to assess the situation. Their proximity said it was work related, but there was wine on the table so…

It didn't really matter…it was Olivia that he was focused on. He took a moment to take her in. Her hair was longer that it had ever been, but otherwise, she looked the same.

Dark brown eyes, olive skin, slightly polished lips.

It was amazing that he'd spent every day with her for twelve years and thought he had her face committed to memory. But here he was, and in some ways, it was like he was seeing her for the first time.

It was almost impossible to believe that he had forgotten how achingly beautiful she really was.

He felt his skin flush as he continued to stare at her, frozen in place. But he knew he needed to move. He could see the strange looks in his peripheral vision from the people seated around him, and Olivia was still looking at him in anticipation. Or maybe it was trepidation.

He saw her glance at the man next to her. She said something to him, but he couldn't make out what it was.

It didn't matter.

Her attention was back on him, and he started towards her.

"Liv…what's going on?"

Olivia felt Barba move slightly closer, and she knew that he was probably worried that the man walking their way might be a past perp or some stalkerish ex. "It's okay." She said quickly, knowing the tone of her voice belied her words. "It's just…it's a long story." She honestly didn't know what Barba had heard about Elliot. If he knew anything about him or their past, he hadn't heard it from her. She thought all the rumors and speculation about the two of them probably wasn't circulating any longer, but she didn't really know.

Olivia couldn't elaborate because Elliot had reached their booth. She realized she was holding her breath, wondering what the hell he was going to say or how this was going to go.

"Olivia." _Liv._ He didn't use her nickname. It felt too familiar…too intimate now. He felt like he had lost that privilege when he had walked away.

"Elliot." She was having a hard time processing the fact that he was here, standing less than two feet from her. If she wanted to, she would be able to reach out and touch him. All her emotions were churning…tangled in a way that made it almost impossible to land on any single one.

Elliot had so many things he wanted to say…hundreds of rehearsed speeches if the opportunity ever presented itself. But when he had visualized a meeting such as this, they'd always been alone, and she had always been happy to see him. Now…she looked wary and she definitely wasn't alone.

He debated and discarded half a dozen comments. "You look good." He finally spit out, realizing how stupid it sounded as soon as the words were out of his mouth.

"You too." Olivia replied, almost automatically. And damn him…he _did _look good. He had dropped a little weight but was obviously still working out. His hair had thinned a little, but he looked relaxed…happy. All the signs of stress he had carried with him were gone. It was obvious that whatever he was doing now suited him.

Maybe it was the blonde…

The thought brought her anger to the forefront again. "What brings you into the city?" She glanced very briefly in the direction of the table his date was seated at, making her point.

"I live here now." Elliot said, seeing her disapproval and her thinly veiled attempt to garner some information. "I have for a while now." He glanced briefly over at the man seated next to her, wondering again about the relationship between the two of them. "In fact, I've been thinking about reaching out…"

"Hmmm." Olivia said, interrupting him before he could finish the sentence. "Well, my number hasn't changed." She'd been waiting for him to 'reach out' for 16 months and she almost smiled as the comment hit home.

"Yeah, well…" Elliot said. "I've been getting settled and…" He shifted on his feet. "Time just gets away from you sometimes…" His voice trailed off. He had so much to say…so much to explain. But this wasn't the time nor the place.

"I understand completely." Olivia said with false sincerity. "It's hard enough to make time for your friends, much less your old co-workers." Olivia said, digging the knife deeper. She wasn't holding back. She felt Barba shift beside her, and she knew he must be able to feel the tension if he hadn't heard the sharpness in her voice.

Barba stuck out his hand. "I'm Rafael Barba." He introduced himself, interrupting what was certainly becoming an increasingly tense conversation. Elliot took his hand, shaking it briefly before dropping his hand back at his side.

"Elliot Stabler." Elliot didn't see any hint of recognition, so Olivia obviously hadn't mentioned him to this mystery man. He glanced back at Olivia, but she wasn't offering any kind of explanation as to who she was dining with, and he suddenly wished he hadn't stumbled upon her like this. He wanted to pull her away from the table…ask her to speak to him privately. He wanted to hug her…just make some physical connection to make sure this was real. He wanted to tell her that he was sorry…that he missed her more than she could possibly know. "Liv…Olivia." He corrected himself immediately. "If I give you a call…" He shifted uneasily on his feet, unsure of whether or not he wanted to hear the answer to his question. "Maybe we could get together and talk."

"I'm pretty busy." Olivia said. Despite her response, she knew she'd be anxiously awaiting his call and she hated it. It had taken her months to get over the fact that he had cut off all contact, and she didn't want to have hope again.

"Maybe you'll have a break in your schedule." Elliot said. He had picked up the phone to call her so many times but had always convinced himself that it had been too long…that she wouldn't want to hear from him. But he could hear the conflict in her voice. She was angry and undoubtedly hurt, but there was a hint of curiosity there too. "If I have to wait…I'll wait." He gave her a small smile. Now that the first awkward meeting was past, his need to see her felt like a living, breathing thing. He had missed her more than he had ever admitted to himself.

"Do whatever you want." He always had in the past. All of the control had always been his. She shrugged as she said it, trying to show her indifference. She looked away, unable to look at that smile and the blue in her eyes. It sent a wave of longing coursing through her. Olivia shifted in her seat and motioned to the food in front of her. "We'd better get back to our dinner." She said, having absolutely no appetite any longer. "And your date is waiting." She said pointedly.

Elliot couldn't tear his eyes away, fearing that she really wouldn't take his call and that he'd never see her again. But Olivia looked up at him and he knew the conversation was over. "Yeah…" He glanced over at Barba. "It was nice to meet you." He said but he had turned his gaze back to Olivia as he heard Barba acknowledge the same. "I'm really glad I ran in to you." He said, mustering every ounce of sincerity that he could. "I really mean it." He leaned in slightly, focusing all of his attention on her. "I _am_ going to call you." He said, lowering his voice so it was barely more than a whisper. "I hope you answer."

Olivia pressed her lips together and gave him a slight nod.

Elliot didn't know if that meant she had heard him or that she'd actually answer if he called. He' d just have to hope it was the latter. He gave her one last smile and then turned and headed in the direction of his table, trying to figure out a plan for getting out of the evening. He had lost all appetite for dinner…and his date.

Olivia let out a huge breath after Elliot had left them. She turned to Barba and gave him a weak smile. "Sorry about that." She said, quickly turning her attention back to her dinner.

"Are you going to tell me who that was?" Barba asked.

Olivia was surprised he asked, even though he had to be curious at such a horribly tense conversation. They didn't know each other that well, so she didn't expect personal questions. Of course, he didn't know that it was personal.

"Maybe it's none of my business." Barba said.

Olivia opened her mouth and closed it again. How do you tell someone about the man that had been her everything for over twelve years…and then had left her without a word? What words described the nature of their relationship, since partner didn't even start to cover it? "He was just someone that I used to know." She said with another sigh.

"Hmmm." Barba said, taking a sip of his wine. "Well…for what it's worth…I've seen that look. Should have known you were a heartbreaker." He smiled, trying to lighten the mood.

Olivia gave him a strained smile back. She wanted to tell him that _she_ was the one that'd had her heart broken. First Elliot and then David. "Some people aren't meant for happy endings." She picked up her wine glass and took a long sip.

"You don't believe that, do you?" Barba asked.

Olivia sighed. "Sometimes, I don't know what I believe. Except that maybe it's better not to look back." Olivia could feel tears welling up and she bit them back. She wasn't going to shed one more tear for Elliot Stabler. She lifted her glass to her lips and drained it, pushing him out of her mind.


	2. Chapter 2

AN: I've been blown away by all of the positive feedback on this story. I really appreciate it. I hope this update lives up to your expectations!

EOEOEOEO

Olivia had been home for a couple of hours, after unceremoniously abandoning Barba at the restaurant. They had pretty much wrapped up their discussion about their current case before dinner had arrived, and Olivia had lost her appetite after Elliot's surprising arrival. She had claimed she wasn't feeling well, and of course Barba knew she was lying, but had gracefully let it go without comment. He had offered to walk her out, but she had already been slipping out of the booth, barely uttering a goodbye as she left him sitting there.

She had opted to walk home, hoping the time and the (relatively) fresh air would help clear her head. The moment Elliot had left her table at the restaurant, she'd been fighting to keep the memories at bay. She had worked hard to stuff all of their shared history down deep, taking care to lock it away. It had taken months, and there had been times…_so_ many times…when she wanted to unlock it and slip inside. Bury herself in the memories…take them out and examine them…relive them one by one. She had resisted, knowing it only led to questions about where it had all gone wrong. She played little mind games with herself to keep herself from going there, continuously having to remind herself that no good would come of it. They key was gone…the lock long rusted shut, and there was no need to go there. It had worked, and the desire had lessened as the months had ticked by.

And then…just like that…Elliot had shown up. Just seeing him had robbed her of any control. It was like he had reached down deep inside of her…slotted the missing key into the lock and flung the lid wide open.

She had decided that she would use the walk home to regain the control he had taken. She refused to give in to the memories that were bubbling to the surface as she strode purposefully through the city. She used every trick she knew to bat them away…called on her inner strength to demolish them.

The problem was, Elliot was her kryptonite.

That's why she found herself, hours after she'd arrived home, still sitting on her couch. She couldn't stop the memories from flooding over her.

She wasn't romanticizing it. There had been good times and bad. There had been moments when she absolutely hated him and other moments when she wouldn't have wanted to be anywhere else. All of them woven together…that was their story.

She must have been crazy to think she could just put it all behind her and leave it, and him, in the past.

She set a new timeline for herself. One more hour of wallowing in what ifs…

_What if she had told Elliot how she really felt about him?_

_What if she had pulled Elliot closer in his more vulnerable moments?_

_What if she had simply leaned over and kissed him when the opportunity had presented itself?_

_Would she be living a different life now?_

_Or at the very least, would he have been able to walk away from her so easily?_

She hated that she was stuck in this place. She wanted the apathy and anger back. The things that had allowed her to keep her cool with Elliot when he'd had the audacity to approach her at the restaurant.

She could see him standing there. His presence had thrown her off and she really hadn't remembered much of what was said. But now that the shock of his sudden arrival was subsiding, it started to come back to her.

_I live here. I have for a while._

It was clear that Kathy was out of the picture. He wasn't living in Queens. The thought of that was painful. His marriage hadn't worked out and he still hadn't sought her out.

Instead, he had sought comfort in the blonde. She thought about the way she had clung to his side. It clearly wasn't a first date.

Another stab of pain knifed through her.

He had never really loved her.

She made her repeat it to herself.

_He never really loved me._

She felt the anger starting to swirl in her stomach, but almost immediately, she found herself making excuses for him. It was all the same bullshit she'd fed to herself when they'd been partnered together. All of the reasons he had kept his distance…refused to acknowledge what was between them…had walked away.

The anger spiked and Olivia stood up, shifting into full Badass Benson mode. She didn't need Elliot. She didn't need anyone. She had her job. And she was good at it. She was making a difference, one victim at a time. It was her focus…all consuming…and it was enough.

She didn't need Elliot Stabler.

She didn't care if he called her or not.

He didn't deserve her time. She wouldn't waste one more minute of her precious time thinking about him…wishing…wanting.

If he _did_ call, she wasn't going to answer.

Olivia walked into the bedroom and set her phone on the nightstand. She stripped off her clothes and slid between the sheets, firm in her conviction.

_I don't need him. I don't want him in my life. _

Those thoughts kept looking through her mind, which is why she hated herself for reaching out to make sure her phone was charged, and that the ringer was on.

EOEOEOEOEO

Elliot sat and stared at his phone. Her name was right there, where it had always been, high on his list of favorites.

_Liv. _

There had been so many times over the past year and a half that he'd been tempted to delete it, when the pain and longing was too much, and he worried he couldn't trust himself not to call her. But he'd never had the heart. It seemed too final somehow.

Even though he had no intention of calling her, it didn't mean that he didn't think about her _all_ the time, and about the decisions he had made for the both of them. He had tried telling himself that he it was all for the best…that she was better off. He had tried distracting himself with work and other women. He had told himself that he had moved on. That he really _had_ done what was best for her. That he was over her.

But then he'd seen her today…

_God_…it had been amazing. His initial shock had quickly been replaced by pure joy. The decision about whether or not to seek her out had been completely taken from him, and he didn't have to feel guilty about the circumstances.

The conversation had been about as tense as he had always imagined it would be. She was clearly angry and had done very little to mask it. He didn't blame her. In fact, considering the circumstances, she'd done a good job of keeping her cool. She supposed that the man in the three-piece suit sitting next to her had something to do with that.

It didn't matter really. He was just so damned happy to see her and to hear the sound of her voice. It made him realize what an idiot he'd been.

He'd never be over her.

He'd been crazy to think he ever would be.

He looked down at his phone again. It was hard to believe that he was considering doing the very thing he had fought all this time. He kept telling himself that it was different now. He had _seen_ her. He had _told_ her that he would call. And even though she seemed indifferent…he thought maybe she was waiting for him to break his word. To chalk up another reason for hating him.

Maybe that was for the best. Maybe it was better if she kept on hating him. That was just punishment for the way he had treated her.

Elliot tossed his phone on to the coffee table and leaned back against the couch. He scrubbed his hands over his face. The decision was made.

He wasn't going to call her.

He'd live with the small gift he'd been given tonight…committing it to memory so he could take it out when needed.

It was the right thing to do.

He sighed heavily. _If it was the right thing to do, then why did it feel so shitty?_

Elliot's phone started vibrating, indicating a new text message, and he lurched forward, snatching it off the table. He had an irrational thought that maybe Olivia had messaged him, but he saw Cindy's name attached to the message.

That was the last thing he needed.

He swiped to delete the message, and then stopped. That would be a really shitty thing to do, and while most would agree he was most definitely an asshole sometimes, he couldn't do that to Cindy. She didn't deserve that.

But he couldn't deal with that now.

It felt like he was starting the grieving process all over again. It had been such an unbelievably hard time for him. The trauma of killing Jenna…the loss of his career and his sense of purpose.

The loss of his person.

It had most definitely been one of the hardest periods of his life, and he'd been lost without any of those things to anchor him. His inability to connect with anything or anyone had cost him his family. Or at least…his wife.

It had been less traumatic then he'd thought. It had been over for a while, and they both knew it. His inability to lean in…to seek comfort and support from Kathy during his crisis…was all the confirmation they had needed.

It had been a relatively easy transition, which only confirmed they'd made the right decision. He knew that Kathy had expected him to run back to Olivia, but if she was surprised that he hadn't, she didn't say anything.

His phone buzzed again, and he couldn't keep his adrenaline from spiking, even though he knew it wouldn't be Olivia. He opened his messaging and saw a note from Kathleen. It made him smile, and he swiped open the message.

_Everything okay?_

Kathleen always seemed to have some sixth sense when it came to him, mysteriously reaching out to him at just the right time. He hit reply, considering just how to respond.

_Everything's fine. _He typed in response. He had his finger poised over SEND, and then paused. He didn't want to lie to her…and he wasn't fine. He was torn up inside…on edge. And while he never wanted to burden his kids or anyone with his troubles, he knew that of all of them, Kathleen understood. She had grown and changed…worked hard on her therapy…and they had become close in the past year.

He backspaced until his message disappeared and retyped. _I saw Olivia today_. He paused a moment but then hit SEND.

Kathleen didn't respond right away, and he wondered if he'd made a mistake in telling her. But then her reply came across. _It must have been wonderful to see her._

He appreciated her response. There was no judgment there…no questions. Just a recognition of how he must be feeling.

_It was._ He typed. He hesitated a moment, and then added. _I've really missed her._

Once again, there wasn't an immediate reply, but he didn't have to wait long_. I know you have. Assuming meeting was accidental?_

_Yes._

_And?_ Kathleen's text prompted.

_I want to see her again._

_Does she want to see you?_

Elliot shook his head and smiled. Kathleen wasn't beating around the bush. _Not sure._

_What are you gonna do?_

Now it was Elliot's turn to hesitate. He wasn't sure how to answer the question, even though he had sworn to himself that he wasn't going to call her. He went with honesty. _Not sure._

_I know you'll do the right thing._

Elliot pondered her response. It wasn't what he had expected. What _was_ the right thing? And the right thing for whom? Him? Olivia? Were they different? He had always assumed they were, but there was so much he didn't know.

_Dad?_

_Yeah. I'll figure it out._ He texted back. _Thanks for checking in._ He sent, letting her know that he did appreciate it, and that the conversation was over.

_Anytime_. Kathleen texted back. _And Dad? Remember what you told me. Sometimes getting what you want isn't easy. And it shouldn't be. _


	3. Chapter 3

AN: I haven't been writing for a while. I was suffering a little from confidence and just didn't have the desire. I've been trying to pick up my laptop, but it wasn't until today that I finally did. Thanks for your patience, and I hope I haven't lost you. There's a lot going on in the world right now, so we can all use a little escape. Here you go.

EOEOEO

"He's not calling?"

Olivia looked up sharply, wondering how in the hell Amaro knew about Elliot and their discussion the night before. But then she saw the grin on his face and knew he was talking about something else. His comment was based on her behavior and assumptions about her love life, which he knew nothing about. She gave him a look that told him he didn't know what he was talking about, and she watched as the grin faded from his face.

"I mean…I can't imagine that many men…" Amaro started, stumbling over his words as he reacted to the expression on Olivia's face. He stretched his arm out towards her. "I mean…you're…" Nick shrugged lightly and leaned back in his chair. "I mean…they'd be crazy not to call you the morning after…"

"Stop talking." Olivia said as she tossed her phone down on her desk. She hated that she'd been checking it enough that Amaro had noticed. "Where are we at with Macy Stewart's stepfather? Have we got any leads on where the hell he is?" Olivia stood up and pushed her wheeled chair back simultaneously, sending the chair rolling backwards several feet. She hated being distracted by Elliot after all this time, especially since she'd been telling herself all night that she didn't give a damn if he called or not. "Let's go check his office again. He has to show up to work at some point."

Nick stood up as Olivia stopped near his desk. "It's been a week. Maybe not."

"Well, we have to do _something_. We can circle back with his friends…whatever. I can't sit here and do nothing." Olivia knew she was taking her fatigue and irritation out on him, but she was too far gone to be able to keep herself from acting this way. She hoped chasing down their suspect would distract her. Or rather, refocus her.

She headed towards the doorway of the precinct and Amaro fell in line. Nick bumped her shoulder with his as they walked. "Hey Liv…I didn't mean anything…you know…"

Olivia let out a sigh, not even looking his way as they walked towards the elevators. "Just drop it." She said, a little more forcefully than intended. "Whatever you're thinking…it's nothing like that." She glanced over at him as they stopped in front of the elevator bank. "It's nothing."

"OK. Got it." Nick replied, in a tone that told her he wasn't buying it.

She groaned inwardly. She didn't have the energy for this.

Olivia stabbed the elevator button and took a step backwards, feeling her impatience growing. This was going to be a long day. She tapped her foot as she waited, stabbing at the button even though she knew it wasn't going to do any good. She was just about to push it again, when she heard the ding, and the elevator doors swooshed open.

Olivia's stomach dropped.

There…standing alone in the middle of the car…was Elliot.

Olivia was speechless, and she looked him up and down, as if to confirm it was really him.

If he was nervous, he didn't show it. Or maybe he was just putting on an incredible act. She couldn't imagine it was easy for him to show up here. As far as she knew, he hadn't stepped foot inside the precinct since that last fateful day.

The fact that he had braved this…for her…crossed her mind briefly, but she had no time to dwell on it. Elliot had moved forward, putting his hand out to keep the elevator door from closing, but hadn't stepped outside the car completely. She could see the hesitancy on his face, and she wondered how difficult it had been for him to walk into this building today.

"Hey." Elliot said, seeing the surprise on Olivia's face. He glanced briefly at the dark-haired man standing beside her, but then he turned his attention back to her. He was trying to decide if he should get off the elevator, but he honestly wasn't sure he could. It had taken a lot to even get this far…more than he'd expected. Just walking in the building had triggered so many memories, and now he wondered what in the hell he'd been thinking.

Now he was staring at Olivia, and she clearly wasn't happy to see him. He should have expected it, but a part of him had hoped that he'd get points for simply showing up. Of course, it was about 18 months too late, but he'd been hopeful.

"What are you doing here?" Olivia asked. She just blurted out the first thing that popped into her head, bypassing the pleasantries.

"I told you I wanted to talk to you." The elevator door was trying to close, and Elliot leaned into the door to keep it in place.

Olivia glanced over at Amaro, and she could tell he was trying to figure out what was going on. It wouldn't take him long. He had seen photos of Elliot, and he was probably sorting through all of the things he'd heard about him, and about the two of them. As if on cue, she felt him straighten up, broadening his shoulders as he took a half step forward. It made her want to roll her eyes. These men in her life…always feeling the need to step in to protect her when she was perfectly capable of taking care of herself. She moved forward slightly. "You said you were going to call." She said pointedly.

"Wasn't sure you would answer."

Olivia didn't have an answer for him, because she wasn't sure either, but she hated the slight cockiness in his voice. "Well, now isn't a good time." She motioned towards Nick. "We're on our way out."

Elliot saw the same attitude she'd had the night before. She clearly wasn't going to make this easy on him, and he supposed he couldn't blame her. He glanced over at the man he presumed was her new partner; she obviously wasn't going to introduce him. He shifted to holding the door with his left hand and extended his right hand towards the man. "Elliot Stabler." He saw the man raise an eyebrow…the name obviously registering…and then he extended a hand.

"Nick Amaro." He said, shifting on his feet. He nodded his head in Olivia's direction. "I'm Olivia's partner."

Olivia glanced over at Nick. He clearly wanted to make his relationship to her clear. More posturing. When she'd been partnered with Elliot, she would have warned him off. No one could square off against Elliot and win. But now, the tables were turned slightly, and could see Elliot was fighting his natural tendency to be the alpha male in this situation.

"Good to meet you." Elliot said as nicely as possible, while he screamed in his head. _I'm her partner, you asshole_. Which was totally unfair because he didn't even know this guy. In fact, he should be happy that Olivia had someone to stand up for her.

Olivia couldn't help but narrow her eyebrows. Even though it was 100% truthful, it sounded strange, now that Elliot was standing here. She glanced over at Elliot to gauge his reaction. Even though he seemed to be taking it in stride, she could see the way his jaw was slightly clenched. "Yes, Nick's my partner now." She repeated, knowing she was making a point that didn't need to be made, but unable to keep herself from digging the knife in a little. "And we're in the middle of a case. So, we really need to get going." She wanted to head into the elevator to make a point, but the thought of being in the elevator with the two of them was unimaginable, so she hesitated. She jerked her head towards the squad room. "Captain's in." She said. "I'm sure he'd love to see you."

Elliot glanced in the direction she indicated, but he shook his head. He wasn't ready for that. It had been hard enough to make it this far and to see Olivia. He couldn't handle being in the room itself, and he knew that the people he'd left behind probably harbored some resentment for the way he'd left, and how he'd treated Olivia. Captain Cragen and Munch had liked him, and Fin had tolerated him, but Olivia was the heart of SVU, and hurting her was about the worst thing anyone could do. He knew that if he and Olivia were to resume any kind of friendship, he was going to have to mend those bridges as well.

He glanced back at Olivia and saw the expression on her face. She wasn't going to stand here much longer, and she clearly wasn't feeling charitable towards him.

Yeah, he had a long way to go if he thought they could resume any kind of relationship. He had to get her to talk to him first.

"Yeah." Elliot said. "I think I'll catch up with him later." The elevator door was fighting to close, and Olivia's lips were pressed together in a tight line. He knew he only had moments left. "How about dinner?" He knew it was a Hail Mary, but he had to keep trying.

"I don't know how late we're going to be." Olivia couldn't believe she hasn't given him an outright _no_, and she cursed herself under her breath for leaving an opening.

"I'm up late." Elliot said. "Whenever you're done is fine with me." He noticed her partner…_Amaro was it?_...take a half step closer and he hoped like hell he wasn't going to intervene. The Olivia he knew didn't need anyone to fight her battles and would take him down a notch or two for trying.

"It's going to be a late night." Amaro said. "And we need to get going."

Olivia watched as Nick squared off with Elliot and if the situation wasn't so surreal, she would have hated him taking charge like this. He was the junior officer here, and she could manage her own life, thank you very much. But instead, she let it happen, hoping Elliot wouldn't push it and would just go so she could breathe again.

Elliot glanced at Amaro, but quickly turned his attention back to Olivia. "Why don't you let Olivia answer for herself?" He looked back and forth between her eyes, searching for some real emotion that belied the look on her face. But she had adopted a cool façade and he couldn't read her in that moment.

Or maybe he'd just lost his connection to her.

He visibly shook his head, as if to shake the very thought from his head.

"It's going to be a late night." She repeated what Nick had said, even though it was likely they would end up giving up pretty quickly unless they got lucky. "And it's been a long day."

"OK." Elliot said, undeterred. "How about tomorrow? Breakfast? Lunch? Dinner?" He wanted to let her know that he wasn't going to give up.

Olivia was getting exasperated now, and she wanted to yell at Elliot and tell him to go to hell. She had called for months with no response, and here he was, badgering her for a response. "I don't have time for this right now." She said, stepping around Amaro and taking a stance about a foot from Elliot. It was close…too close…but she needed this standoff to end. "So, you need to go."

Then, in an instance of incredibly lucky timing, the second set of elevator doors dinged open, disgorging a few uniformed officers. Olivia turned slightly and snagged Amaro's arm, tugging him towards the open doors, trying to catch them before they closed. She ducked inside the car with Amaro close on her heels. She turned and watched the elevator doors start to close, feeling like she could catch her breath for the first time, when she saw a hand snake inside, forcing the doors open again.

_Goddamnit._

Elliot was standing there, his hand held firmly against the door. "I know I fucked up Olivia." He said, hating the fact that everything he wanted to say when they were alone had an audience now. But she wasn't giving him any options, and he didn't know if she ever would. "I fucked up in so many ways. You deserved better." He hung his head slightly. "So much better." He let out a sigh. "I just…" He lifted his head and stared into her eyes, hoping she could hear the sincerity in his voice and the hope in his eyes. "I'm just asking for thirty minutes. Half an hour. And then…" He took in a deep breath. "If want to tell me to go to hell…I promise I'll leave you alone." He knew he was taking a big gamble, but he had nothing now. So, what more could he lose?

Olivia could feel Amaro fidgeting beside her, and she heard him emit a slight groan under his breath, as if he couldn't believe she was listening to this bullshit. She knew she shouldn't give in. She knew she shouldn't give a fuck about what he had to say. But she also knew she was going to cave. She'd known it the minute she'd checked her ringer on her phone the night before and again when she'd seen him standing in the elevator. Her curiosity wouldn't let things lie. She wanted to know just how in the hell he could justify any of what he'd done. What possible explanation he would try to give her. In her mind, there were none, but maybe…just maybe…she would have some answers to the questions she that had been plaguing her all this time.

"Please." Elliot said, willing her to answer.

"Call me later." Olivia finally said. "And I'll see if I feel like talking." She knew she would figure out a time to meet, but this didn't commit her completely. She had an out, just in case she changed her mind.

Elliot knew she wasn't explicitly agreeing to meet him, but it was a start. A small spark of hope. He nodded, giving her a small smile. "OK." He said, releasing the door. "OK." He nodded. He started to say thanks, but the door was already closing, and he lost his chance. In the next second, she was gone.

Olivia sagged slightly and leaned against the wall of the elevator.

"What the hell?" Amaro asked.

Olivia let her head fall back against the wall. She was in no mood to deal with Amaro and his questions right now.

"You're going to talk to that guy?" He asked. "He's an asshole."

"What do you know about it?" Olivia snapped back, lifting her head and looked at Nick. "Huh?"

"I know plenty." Nick said, not backing down. "I know that he left you without a word. Left you high and dry after more than 12 years together. Left everyone without so much as a backward glance."

"It wasn't like that." Olivia hated that she found herself defending him now, but she hated the way Nick was inserting himself into the conversation.

"Bullshit." Nick said. "I was there in the aftermath, remember? I saw the impact his leaving had on you. How you couldn't trust anyone. You weren't sleeping. You were a mess. Broken…"

Olivia whirled on him. "Fuck you. I was not broken." She tried to reign in her anger because he wasn't that far from the truth, and she knew partnering with her had been difficult. But he didn't understand. "You don't know a goddamned thing, so I just need you to stay out of this.

"Liv."

"God Nick. Just stop. I don't need you fighting my battles or defending my honor or whatever the hell you think you're doing." The elevator doors swooshed open. "Now can we just get on with what we're doing and focus on the goddamned case?" She stormed out of the elevator, angry at the storm that seeing Elliot again had brought. She hadn't been prepared.

She definitely hadn't been prepared.


	4. Chapter 4

Olivia exited the elevator of her apartment building, half expecting Elliot to be standing outside her door. She hated that she felt a small stab of disappointment, but it was quickly replaced by an overwhelming sense of relief. She didn't have the energy or patience to deal with him. She and Nick had been at odds all day, as he had continued to offer his opinion on the Elliot situation, and she had continued to shut him down. On top of that, the search for their main suspect had resulted in zero results. By the time Nick had dropped her at her apartment, they were barely speaking.

Olivia knew Nick deserved better. He'd put a lot of effort into their partnership. He'd had the unfortunate task of starting out when she was still struggling with the aftermath of Elliot's abandonment and had no interest in a new partner. He had dealt with her mood swings, her displaced anger and her lack of trust, trying to support her, in any way he could. To this day, he really didn't have any knowledge of Elliot or the relationship they'd had, except for rumors. She could feel his internal struggle to be supportive, but protective, and she made a mental note to apologize, or at least redirect her anger, when she saw him the next day.

As she placed her badge and gun on the kitchen counter, her stomach grumbled, and she realized she'd barely eaten today. She glanced at her watch. 6PM. How could it possibly be that early? She wanted to crawl into bed and forget the entire day. But she knew that would be pointless after the day she'd had. Instead, she'd take a hot shower, order in some food, and watch something on TV, in an effort to replace the noise in her head with something mindless.

As she headed towards her bedroom, she heard the buzz of her phone, indicating an incoming text message. She paused, willing herself to ignore it, but she knew she wouldn't be able to do it. She told herself it could be work-related, which was highly unlikely. Anything happening at this time of night would be urgent, and she would get a call, not a text.

"Just let it go." She mumbled to herself. "It's not work-related." She started her walk towards her room once again, shedding her sweater as she walked. She had barely crossed the threshold of her room when it buzzed again. Olivia tossed her sweater angrily on the bed, hating the fact that was fixated on knowing if the texts were from Elliot.

Whom she did NOT want to see.

At all.

Olivia finished stripping down, studiously ignoring two additional beeps from her phone and wishing she could turn the volume down, or better yet, OFF, so she wouldn't be taunted by curiosity. She slipped into the shower, happy that at least in here, she couldn't hear the damn thing. But as the hot water sluiced down her body, she realized it was doing nothing to reduce the tension in her body. Every muscle was taut, and she could feel the anger seeping out of every pore.

Olivia slumped down in the tub, sitting with her arms wrapped loosely around her as the water continued to pummel down. Her anger was consuming her, and she realized that no matter how well she thought she'd packed away every bit of anger and hurt that Elliot had caused, she'd made a mistake in thinking those emotions were gone. One chance meeting…a few words exchanged…and it had all come back with a vengeance. She hadn't really done anything to deal with the sense of abandonment or the loss of something so precious. She had stuffed those feelings and memories away, telling herself that she was going to be okay if she kept them locked away, never expecting something like this to happen.

It had been a year and a half.

What were the chances?

Olivia let out a groan and pushed herself up. She hated feeling like this…of not being in control of herself or her emotions. She pushed herself up and finished soaping up and rinsing off before she turned the water off. She towel-dried her hair, and then searched for her softest pair of leggings and a t-shirt, making a point of ignoring the small collection of t-shirts and the gray sweatshirts that had been Elliot's. She hated that she hadn't had the heart to throw them away, and she grabbed them now and threw them farther back on the shelf where she couldn't see them.

As she padded back out to the kitchen, she knew there was no way she could avoid looking at the incoming texts. She used the fact that she had to call out for food as an excuse, but she knew that the real reason was her lack of self-control and her curiosity.

She wanted to know if Elliot was going to keep his word. If he really was going to reach out to her. If he would follow-up, like he said he would. Because goddamnit_,_ she wanted him to _work_ for it. She wanted him to feel exactly how she had felt when the calls and texts and voicemails went unanswered. The frustration, the anger and the pain. All of it. The bastard deserved it.

Olivia stopped short of the kitchen counter, taking in a deep breath and letting it out slowly in an attempt to expel the anger that was threatening to overtake her again. She reached out and grabbed the edge of the counter, stretching her arms and dropping her head as she closed her eyes, willing it away.

Anger made you stupid. It made you act out without thinking. It was loss of control.

That was the last thing she needed.

Olivia straightened up and snatched the phone from where it rested on the counter. It only took seconds for her to see the series of notifications on her screen. A text message from Barba, one from Melinda and another from Nick.

She rocked back on her feet slightly, actually surprised to see the messages. Barba and Melinda rarely texted her, and Nick…well…she'd been pretty certain he'd spend the evening nursing some anger towards her.

She chided herself for getting so worked up about the texts. Had she really expected him to, when she'd pretty much told him that she didn't have time for him? And was she really so childish that she hoped he would, so that she could crush him by not responding?

_Get a grip Benson._

She shook her head, as if the act would shake him from her mind. Here she was, 18 months later, and she felt like she was back at square one.

She didn't want him to have that kind of power over her.

_Fuck Elliot Stabler._

Olivia snatched up the phone again and read the text messages that had been sent. Barba wanted some time for court prep tomorrow, Melinda was asking if she wanted to meet for lunch this weekend, and Nick…poor, sweet Nick…apologized for hassling her today. Olivia responded to each of them, assuring Nick that this wasn't his fault and she'd be in a better mood tomorrow, and then called her favorite deli for some soup and a sandwich.

When that call was done, Olivia opened the refrigerator, and was happy to see an open bottle of wine.

Just what she needed.

She poured herself a glass, and settled on the couch, surfing through channels to try to find something to take her mind off the day. It seemed there was a plethora of crime dramas on these days, and she skimmed through them. She finally settled on some old reruns of Grey's Anatomy. The damn show was like a soap opera, and she could get lost in it without much effort.

Olivia drank the wine much too quickly and was thankful she'd brought the bottle over to the coffee table so she could refill her glass easily. She felt herself start to loosen up near the end of her second glass, especially since she hadn't eaten anything yet, and lay her head back on the couch. Meredith Grey was going on about some case and Olivia closed her eyes, as the soundtrack started to ebb in the background.

She awoke with a start, looking at the TV in bewilderment until she heard another knock at the door. She realized that she must have fallen asleep and pushed herself up off the couch, wondering how the delivery person had gotten past the security door. She peered through the peephole and saw the same young girl that had been delivering from this deli for a while, thinking she probably could give the girl a damn key with how often she was at her door. She swung the door open, fishing in her sweatshirt pocket for the $20 bill. The two of them exchanged food for money with minimal words passed between them, ad Olivia didn't even bother to ask about security. The smell of the warm soup made her stomach grumble again, and she thanked the girl and watched as she turned and headed down the hallway.

Olivia watched her go, and just as she started to swing the door closed, she saw the elevator doors open, and a familiar figure stepped out. She watched as Elliot turned and caught her eye, and she looked away quickly, thinking she should close the door quickly. Instead, she froze with indecision as she held her food in her hand and watched him walk towards her. Her heart rate was increasing steadily, and she realized belatedly that she was standing there with damp hair, no makeup and sweats on. It made her feel vulnerable for some reason and she hated it. It made her want to slam the door closed, throw the deadbolt and connect the chain, placing a formidable barrier between them.

Elliot knew that showing up at her door had been a risk. Olivia owed him absolutely nothing, and he knew she wasn't going to make this easy…nor should she. He'd decided that seeing him in person would be harder to ignore than a phone call or a text…a thought that had made him wonder what would have happened if she had driven out to Queens 18 months ago. His plan had backfired at the precinct, but part of that had been on him. he hadn't been prepared for the emotions that return would dredge up.

Here, at Olivia's apartment, felt like safer ground. At least for him. Judging by the expression on her face, it probably wasn't for her.

He felt damn lucky that the door had already been open, and that she hadn't slammed it upon seeing him. He had figured he'd end up spending an hour outside cajoling her to open up until a concerned neighbor intervened or she called a patrol car herself.

Elliot saw she was holding a bag from the deli, and it made the Chinese food in his hands feel superfluous, but he held them up anyway as he neared, hoping she saw them as the peace offering he'd intended.

Not that it even covered a fraction of what he had to make up for, but he had hoped it would at least get him in the door to start the conversation.

"Hey." Elliot said quietly as he stopped about six feet from where she was standing, holding the door open with her hip. He couldn't keep his eyes from scanning down her body, taking in the casual clothes, the bare feet and the wet hair. He could see a smattering of freckles across her nose, and he wondered if those had always been there and he just hadn't noticed…

"What are you doing here?" Olivia asked tersely, drawing his eyes back to hers.

"I brought you some dinner." Elliot said.

"I have dinner." Olivia snapped back, lifting the bag from the deli. "And now it's getting cold."

"Well, we could go inside and talk while you eat, so it doesn't get any colder." Elliot offered up, motioning towards her apartment. She was trying to rile him up…make him exasperated and angry…but it wasn't going to work. He was too damned happy to see her.

"You said you were going to call." Olivia works were clipped. It was just like Elliot to push the boundaries she'd set.

"I was pretty sure you weren't going to answer." Elliot said, making sure to keep his tone quiet and even.

"That doesn't mean you get to just show up." Olivia let out a small sigh of frustration. She wanted to tell him that he wasn't in charge here. That he wasn't the one making the rules. "What did you think? That you could just show up here with a bag of food and that stupid smirk and I'd just forget about everything that happened? That I'd just throw my door open…throw my arms open…and tell you how happy I am to see you?" She shook her head. "Same damn arrogant bastard." The last part was muttered under her breath, but she saw from the expression on Elliot's face and the slump in his shoulders that he'd heard her.

Elliot felt like the asshole she was accusing him of being. If he was being honest with himself, that was exactly what he had hoped would happen, even though he should have known better. He'd let his hopes get the better of him because Olivia had always been the compassionate one, and he wanted it so damn much. "I'm sorry." Once again, the words sounded so damned inadequate. "I just…" He recalled everything he'd said to her in the elevator earlier today. "I just wanted a chance to tell you how sorry I am for everything and…"

Olivia cut him off. Earlier, when he was spouting in the precinct about how he'd fucked up, she thought she wanted to know why…to hear what possible rationale there could be for what he'd done. But now she wasn't sure. "It doesn't matter."

"It _does matter_."

"Maybe it does to you." Olivia said vehemently. "If you came around here so you could bare your soul and make yourself feel better, than you're a bigger asshole than I thought." Olivia said vehemently. "If you want forgiveness, maybe you should go talk to your priest. Because I'm over it, Elliot. We can't go back and fix the past. There is nothing for you here." Olivia felt tears threatening her lashes and she swallowed hard. She would not cry in front of him.

"Liv." Elliot whispered, seeing the emotion on her face. "Don't say that."

"It's the truth." Olivia said, swallowing hard as her familiar nickname rolled off his lips. "I've been here Elliot. I called and I texted and left messages and nothing. You erased me from your life. You moved on. For 18 months, you've managed to live quite fine without me in your life. And now, because you happened to run into me, you feel this need to talk? To assuage your guilt?" She shook her head. "Fuck you." There was no anger left…only sadness. "Go home Elliot."

Olivia slipped through the door, letting it close without giving Elliot another look.


	5. Chapter 5

Olivia woke up in a sweat, with the sheets tangled around her legs and the remnants of her dream already slipping away. She closed her eyes, focused on remembering, and images of Elliot hovering over her came into focus. She could feel his skin against her…feel their intimate connection…and her entire body throbbed with the memory. Her breathing was coming in short gasps, as if he'd just left her bed, and she slipped her hands down her body, trying to anchor herself to reality.

It was a dream.

Just a dream.

Olivia inhaled deeply and let it out slowly as she disentangled herself from the sheets. The sweat was already cooling on her body as she pushed herself up from her bed, and she dropped her head in her hands as she swung her legs over the edge and her feet connected with the floor.

It had been along time since she'd dreamt of Elliot like that.

A long time.

Back then, there had been _too_ many dreams like that.

Especially the last couple of years before he'd left. When they had come to terms with what they were to each other…had made some peace with it…or maybe stopped fighting it…and just let themselves be.

They teased…they flirted. They felt safe with each other.

At least she'd thought so.

Olivia pushed herself up from her bed and padded into the bathroom. She turned on the faucet and leaned over the sink, splashing cold water on her face. She grabbed a washcloth off the rack and ran it beneath the faucet, wringing it out before she swiped the rag across the back of her neck and then down over her chest. She could still feel the effects of the dream…the ache low in her belly…and wondered if she was going to even be able to go back to sleep.

It both alarmed and annoyed her that Elliot had slithered back into her dreams so easily. It proved once again that she hadn't really dealt with the pain, anger and longing his departure had caused.

Olivia left the bathroom but bypassed her bed and headed to the kitchen. She snagged a bottle of water from the fridge and noted the container of uneaten soup and sandwich that she'd thrown angrily into the sink after Elliot had left. She scooped both of them up and tossed them in the garbage.

She turned and leaned against the counter, draining half the bottle of water. She thought about Elliot standing there in the hallway, with her favorite food in his hand and an apology on his lips.

She wondered about his motives. Did he need her forgiveness to ease his conscious? Had guilt been eating away at him? Or was there something else he wanted from her?

_There's nothing for you here._

She'd meant it when she'd said it, but she could feel the conflict churning inside her. There was still a part of her that wanted to know why Elliot had made the decision he had. At some level, she could understand the desire to run, but she couldn't understand how Elliot had excised her out of his life so completely, when he'd struggled so much when she'd done the same to him.

Olivia groaned. These were all the same musings that had tangled in her brain in the months following Elliot's retirement. And she didn't have any more answers than she did then.

Olivia crushed the empty water bottle with her hands and tossed it in the garbage can with more force than necessary. She was angry with Elliot. She was angry that in just 24 hours, he had turned her world upside down. But mostly, she was angry with herself, because she knew she was going to give in and agree to meet with Elliot.

EOEOEOEO

Elliot lay awake, with one arm thrown over his head and his eyes trained on the ceiling, and contemplated his next step. Showing up at Olivia's apartment had been a gamble, and while it didn't go particularly well, he hoped it showed that he was serious about reconnecting with her.

He'd been laying there for hours, trying to sort through his motivation, wondering if it was selfish on his part. But seeing her sitting in that restaurant…he'd been overwhelmed with how damn much he'd missed her and filled with longing. It seemed impossible to let it be.

He needed to be honest with her. There had been times over the years, when they'd been dangerously close to it, but one or the other of them had pulled back. Sometimes to an extreme. It wasn't her fault, and it wasn't his. They both shared in the blame for what happened in those 12 years.

But this last decision. That was his alone. He hadn't given her a voice.

He owed her the truth.

What she wanted to do with it. Well, that was up to her.

He let out a heavy sigh and looked over at the clock on his nightstand. 4AM.

It wasn't the first sleepless night he'd had thinking about Olivia.

He wondered if she was awake, and what was going through her mind right now. He supposed it was arrogant to think so.

Maybe it was just wishful thinking.

Elliot let out a frustrated sigh and pushed himself up until he was sitting on the edge of the bed. He still didn't have any ideas about how to get her to talk to him.

He didn't want to think about what he'd do if she outright refused. But he knew he had to prepare himself for that, because it was a real possibility.

He didn't know if he had it in him though. He could feel the desperation and longing in his core.

He needed her in his life.

EOEOEOEO

Olivia sat at her desk and fiddled with her phone in her hand. She had already made the decision that she was going to message Elliot. Now that she had made the decision, she wanted it to be on her terms. But something was keeping her from sending the message.

Mostly because she couldn't decide what she wanted to offer up. Her first impulse was to meet up with him in a public place. A restaurant or a bar. Her hope was that it would keep the conversation civil. But they'd never been good and keeping their voices down or their emotions in check, and after all that had happened, this wasn't likely to be any different.

That didn't leave a lot of options.

His place…wherever that was.

That was a solid no.

The precinct.

That wasn't going to work. Too many eyes and ears, and too much history. She didn't even know if Elliot could step foot in here again.

Her apartment.

That felt dangerous somehow.

Elliot had been there enough times over the years that he would feel somewhat comfortable there, and she didn't want to make it easy for him. And yet, it really was the only option.

"Liv."

Olivia looked up, surprised by the sudden intrusion into her thoughts. She saw Fin standing near her desk, leaning in slightly, indicating he wanted to have a private conversation. She placed her phone on her desk and straightened up slightly. "Yeah?" She looked up at him. "What's up?"

"Amaro said that Stabler was here." Fin said in a low voice. "At the precinct."

Olivia glanced over at Amaro and saw that he was doing his best to look busy. She'd be sure to thank him later for starting up the rumor mill again, but there was no denying it now. Her eyes moved back to Fin's. "Yeah."

"What'd he want?"

No beating around the bush with Fin. It was one of the things she loved about him most of the time. This was not one of them. "Nothing."

"C'mon Liv."

Olivia could hear the impatience in his voice, telling her that he wasn't going to put up with her BS. She supposed he deserved to hear it from her, rather than be forced to listen to fragments of the truth. "I ran into him the other night, when I was having dinner with Barba. A working dinner." She clarified quickly. "Or rather, he ran into me."

"Hmm." Was Fin's only response.

He seemed to be waiting for her to provide more information, but she didn't know what else to say. He would always be firmly on her side, and she could already hear his silent condemnation of Elliot. Years of history and just plain habit made her want to defend him, and she had to tamp it down. "It was just a chance meeting…" Olivia's voice trailed off.

"And?"

"And nothing."

"C'mon Liv." Fin said. "I'm not an idiot. You ran into each other and then he shows up here? He wants something from you."

Olivia was annoyed by Fin's intrusion. She pushed herself up from her chair, making it skid slightly across the floor. "It's none of your business." She said in a harsh whisper. She caught Munch looking up at him in her peripheral vision, and she reminded herself to calm down. She didn't want to bring attention to their conversation. "Fin…" She started more softly, knowing that he was only trying to protect her. He'd never been a huge fan of Elliot's and his opinion certainly lessened with everything that had happened over the years. "I can handle it. I _am_ handling it." She moved a little closer and put a hand on his bicep. "But thank you."

"I don't know…" Fin said, shaking his head.

He looked up at her with a dubious expression on his face and she had to remind herself that he had been a victim in the aftermath as well. Fin, Munch and Cragen had watched her try to keep her shit together, despite her efforts to mask the impact. They knew how deep it went. Of course, they knew. She'd just been too mired in her own misery to notice any of the them and their struggle to help her adjust.

Still, this was her decision and no one else's.

Olivia dropped her hand from his arm. "I'm fine." She said. "I'm…" She shook her head slightly. "I'm in a different place now." She assured him. "I can handle Elliot Stabler."

Fin nodded begrudgingly as she gave him a small smile, and he walked back towards his desk. She saw Munch raise a brow at her, but then went back to the paperwork on her desk. When she glanced over at Nick's desk, she saw that he was still on the phone. She grabbed the back of her chair and pulled it back towards her desk, sitting down as she scooted it forward. She picked her phone up from where she'd set it, and stared at the screen, picking up her deliberation on place and time.

She turned as Nick slammed down his phone.

"Macy Stewart's stepfather just showed up." He said, pushing himself up from his chair.

"Really?" Olivia was surprised he had shown his face when he knew they were looking for him. "Where?"

"The morgue." Amaro said, and Olivia knew her case just got a lot more complicated.

EOEOEOEO

Elliot had waited all day for Olivia to reach out to him. He'd been almost 100% sure that she would, because he knew that curiosity had to be eating away at her, and that she'd want to do this on her own terms.

He had been counting on the fact that she'd want to rage at him…get her 'punches' in…even the score in some small way.

That was the Olivia he knew.

He didn't want to think that she'd changed that much since he'd seen her.

He was walking out to his truck, trying to figure out his next step. His head told him to go home to his apartment…to leave it in Olivia's hands. His heart though; that was another matter.

EOEOEOEO

Olivia was thankful that Nick hadn't broached the subject of Elliot on the drive over to the morgue, and now that they'd seen Sam Gooden laid out on the slab, they had a lot to talk about. Neither one of them could see Macy taking revenge on her stepfather herself, and when they interviewed her just an hour ago, she seemed genuinely surprised, albeit relieved, that he was dead. They debated heading back to the precinct to work on a list of potential suspects but decided to start fresh the next day. Macy was safe, their rapist and child abuser was dead, and it was already almost 8pm. They discussed next steps and had a good game plan by the time Nick pulled up to the curb outside her building.

Olivia said goodnight and left the sedan, focused on some dinner and a hot shower. She was halfway to her door when she saw someone getting out of a truck sitting right outside her door. She stopped abruptly, instinctively reach for her gun as the shadowy figure came around the front of the truck.

"Liv." Elliot said softly, wanting to let her know who it was.

Olivia stopped short, surprised to see Elliot standing on the sidewalk just a few yards away from her. She heard a car door open behind her and knew Nick was getting out of the car, probably in reaction to her hand on her gun. She turned quickly as he rounded the car. "It's fine Nick." She said, afraid he would pull his gun in response to a perceived threat. It only took a few seconds for him to recognize that it was Elliot standing there.

"What's going on?" Nick asked, and Olivia knew he was fishing to see if this visit had been planned. He should know better, since she'd had no way of knowing when they'd be wrapping things up tonight.

Olivia chose to ignore him for the moment, taking a step forward and elbowing him back slightly as he reached the spot where she was standing. "What are you doing here?" She asked Elliot point blank.

Elliot didn't have an answer for her, or at least not one that he wanted to voice in front of Nick. He'd really just shown up here, against his own best judgement, prepared to beg, if necessary, to get an invitation inside. He hesitated for a moment, wishing she would send junior on his way, fixated on the stony expression on her face. "I was just hoping you'd be free to talk."

Olivia watched Elliot shift on his feet, and she knew that Nick's presence was throwing him off.

_Good._

He couldn't just show up here and ambush her like this. "I told you that I would call you." She said. "I'm in the middle of a case." She offered up, as if this was the reason she hadn't made contact.

"Now is not a good time." Nick offered up, seemingly backing up her claim.

Olivia saw Elliot's jaw clench, and she knew he wanted to tell Nick to back the fuck up.

But he didn't.

"If Olivia wants me to leave, she can tell me herself." Elliot said, keeping his tone even as he challenged Nick.

Olivia felt Nick start to move, ad she cursed whomever in the universe had given her two partners that were so quick to anger. She turned and placed a hand on Nick's arm. "I've got this under control." She said, basically telling him to stand down. "Just go home." She said, as lightly as she could. "And I'll see you at the precinct tomorrow." She could see the objection on his lips as he looked over at Elliot. But when he turned his attention back to him, she saw the acquiescence on his face. "It's okay." She said quietly, and she saw the tension leave his shoulders. He nodded slightly and took a few steps backward.

"Call me if you need anything." Nick said, before turning and heading back to the car.

Olivia turned, and she and Elliot just stared at each other, seemingly waiting until the unmarked sedan had pulled away. She took those moments to take in the jeans with the white button-up and the dark blazer. The streetlight reflected in his eyes, and she could see his casual perusal of her as well.

Her dream from the night before came back unbidden, and she blinked rapidly, pushing it away.

"This isn't a good time." Olivia said, breaking the silence.

Elliot had anticipated her comment. "Why do I feel like there's never going to be a good time?" He asked. His kept his voice low and his emotions in check. He didn't want to give her any reason to get upset with him. She didn't respond right away, and he kept quiet, giving her time to wrestle with her decision. He could see the fatigue in her face, and he thought maybe he'd been right in thinking she probably hadn't slept the night before.

Maybe she really wasn't up to this.

Maybe he should go.

The words were on his lips, when she spoke up.

"I was going to call you today." She said with a sigh. "I just…" She waved in the direction that Nick's car had disappeared. "The day just got away from me." It was close enough to the truth.

"And what were you going to say?" Elliot prodded. "When you called me?"

Olivia pressed her lips together, and looked down at the sidewalk, starting to waffle on her decision to let him say his piece.

Elliot took a step closer. "Please Olivia."

She looked back up at him. She saw the plea in his eyes, and she knew her decision was made. She tried to muster her anger from earlier…to lay the ground rules…the rules of engagement. But she couldn't seem to find it. "Come back in thirty minutes." She said, intent on having the hot shower she had planned. "And you'd better have some Thai food with you."


	6. Chapter 6

Elliot was back with the Thai food in 15 minutes, but he wanted to be respectful of the time Olivia had requested, so he waited until the full 30 minutes had passed before he pressed the buzzer. It occurred to him that in the past, he had finagled his way in behind another tenant, but this time, he was going to play by the rules.

Olivia buzzed him in without a word and Elliot started to get a little nervous as he climbed the stairs to her apartment. He really had no idea what to expect, especially since he had pretty much forced this meeting. He was starting to wonder if that might backfire on him, as she had undoubtedly had a long day, and was most likely not in her best frame of mind.

But it was too late now. Leaving wasn't an option.

As he rounded the corner, he saw that Olivia was standing with her hand on the door, holding it open as she anticipated his arrival. Much like the other night, her hair was wet, and her feet were bare. But unlike that night, she was wearing a pair of dark jeans and a black sweater. It was somewhat loose, but still clung to her breasts in a way that he tried not to focus on. Her expression was neutral, and when his eyes connected with hers, he realized that he wasn't going to get a sense of her mood there either.

He slowed as he neared her door, waiting for her to say something. Her expression didn't change, so he held up the bag of food. He didn't know if he was expecting gratitude or just confirmation that he could follow instructions, but she only moved back into the apartment, leaving him to catch the door as she released her hold on it.

He let out a small sigh and reminded himself to be patient as he let the door close behind him. He could see that Olivia was already in the living room and had settled herself in the middle of the couch. The message was clear…there was no room on the couch for him. He selected the only open seat, a slightly oversized chair to her left, and set the bags of food down next to the dishes and napkins she had piled there. He saw she had opened a bottle of water for herself, and there was one waiting for him.

Olivia dug in without a word, pulling containers from the bag and starting to fill her plate. He could quickly see that this meal was perfunctory. A necessity after a long day, undoubtedly without a stop for food, and not an opportunity to ease into the conversation.

Olivia was watching Elliot out of the corner of her eye, and she could tell that he was expecting something other than what she was offering at the moment. They had shared many meals in the past, and they were often a time to finally sit down and talk. Topics could range from their thoughts on a case to what the kids were doing, but it was social, and another way to connect.

This. This was something else.

This was Elliot intruding on her plans for the evening, and her finding a way to fit in _her_ needs after agreeing to allow this meeting to happen.

He shouldn't expect chit-chat or niceties.

She had only eaten a few bites when she realized how nervous she was. The food was churning in her stomach, and she realized she couldn't eat anymore. Olivia dropped her fork, and the clattering of it against her plate sounded loud in the silence. She saw Elliot's head jerk up from his focus on his food, and his eyes connected with hers.

"You okay?" He asked, breaking the silence.

Olivia looked at him for a long moment before answering. "No." She shook her head, extending the silence again. Her voice had been barely more than a whisper. She broke eye contact and focused on her hands as they sat idly in her lap. "Nothing about this is okay."

Elliot started to feel panic swell up inside of him. The tone of her voice and her body language was scaring him, and it was a stark realization that this may be the very last time he would see her in person. He had to say something…anything…to keep her from asking him to leave.

He set down his plate quickly and leaned forward, trying to capture her eyes. She stubbornly refused to meet his. "Olivia." He said softly. "I know I don't have any right to expect you to listen to me, but I appreciate that you've given me a chance here…"

Olivia didn't want to hear him fall all over himself trying to thank her. "Just stop, would you?" She said sharply. She needed to hold on to her anger so she didn't acquiesce to all the emotion brimming beneath the surface.

Elliot sat up, noting the sharp change in tone. "I was just trying to tell you that I appreciate the fact that you agreed…"

"You really didn't give me much of a choice, did you? Showing up at my door…" She didn't bring up the fact that she had already planned on agreeing and he didn't bring it up either.

"OK." Elliot said, sitting back. He hesitated a moment, wondering where to go from here.

Olivia picked up her bottle of water and drained a good portion of it to try to ease the queasiness in her stomach. She looked at Elliot expectantly, but he just looked defeated as he sat back in the chair. "Just say what you came here to say."

Elliot stitched his brows together slightly. He had a lot that he wanted to say, but he hadn't rehearsed it in any way, shape or form. It certainly hadn't planned on a monologue. He had hoped that once he started, it would be more of a conversation. But judging from Olivia's expression, he wasn't sure she was going to contribute much. It seems she wanted him to say his piece and leave.

"Elliot." Olivia said with a hint of impatience.

"Jesus Liv." Elliot said, scrubbing his hands down his thighs. "This isn't easy." He pushed himself up from the chair and came around the back, shrugging off his blazer and tossing it on the arm of the chair. He braced his arms on the back of the chair, rocking slightly as he tried to figure out where to even begin.

"Well, excuse me. I didn't know it was my job to make this easier for you." Olivia said. She knew she sounded like a total bitch, but that anger was working for her. She had no idea what was going to come out of Elliot's mouth, and it had her on edge.

"I don't expect you to make it easier. I just don't need you to make it harder." Elliot was trying to keep his cool. But she was making it so damned hard.

Olivia pushed herself up from the couch. "This is pointless." She grabbed the plates off the coffee table and headed towards the kitchen.

Elliot stood up, wanting to reach for her as she passed by, but he didn't think she'd appreciate that. He heard the sound of the dishes clattering in the sink and a sound of exertion…maybe frustration…from Olivia. He walked towards the kitchen and braced his arms on either side, effectively trapping her in the small room.

Olivia turned, and saw she had made a tactical mistake. She had no choice but to listen to what he said. Unless. Maybe she could beat him to the punch.

Take control.

She straightened up slightly, mustering up courage to take this head on. This was probably going to be her only opportunity to get this off her chest. The words would come easily for her. It was a memory that had been on a continuous loop for so long.

"That day. When Jenna was shot." That day was forever imprinted on her mind and she remembered every detail. The sound of gunfire, the feel of blood on her hands, and then a few incredible moments of absolute silece before everything erupted into chaos. "Everything slowed down. I looked over at you, and I could see the shock…the horror…the disbelief." Her voice was small as she talked. "I know that as you looked at me, you saw the exact same thing." She felt a small shudder throughout her body. "I couldn't comprehend what had happened. And then I saw she was dead and the only thing I could think was that we had failed her." Her voice broke and she stopped for a moment, looking away from Elliot.

Elliot had no idea that Olivia harbored so much guilt for Jenna's death. "You didn't shoot her Olivia. _I _did." He said firmly. It has taken six months of counseling to get to the point where he could even say those words without losing his shit.

Olivia's head snapped up. "God…you just don't get it. There was no _you_. There was no _me_. There was only _we_. We _both_ failed her. It doesn't matter who pulled the trigger." Elliot's eyes widened slightly, and she saw she had really caught him by surprise with her comment.

Olivia continued. "I just remember…utter chaos." Everything after that moment sped up. People scrambling…ambulances called…and she and Elliot were whisked away.

Separated.

IAB had shown up, doing what they do. "I just wanted to see you. To be near you or…" She didn't know how to even put that moment into words. She had just wanted to connect in some physical way. To make sure he was okay. To have him tell her that she was okay. "I kept asking, but they wouldn't let me talk to you. And then, you were gone." She waved her hand. "Just…gone." She inhaled deeply, trying to keep tears from forming. "I didn't know that it was the last time that I would see you." She leaned heavily against the counter, feeling drained.

Elliot was shocked into silence. He hadn't expected this outpouring from her. This brutal honesty.

He owed her the same.

"You have to believe me when I say that I never meant for that to happen." Elliot took a half step forward, but Olivia's expression made him retreat. He could see the sheen of tears in Olivia's eyes, and he hated it. "For things to happen that way."

"You say that like you had no choice." Olivia said with a hint of disdain in her voice. She clenched her teeth together, trying to keep the tears at bay.

She refused to cry in front of him.

"I don't know how to explain it. I was…_Christ_." Elliot scrubbed a hand over his face. He memory brought him back to those first few days, when he'd been sitting at home, fielding endless calls from IAB and dodging calls from the press. "I was hanging on by a thread. IAB was on my ass and I felt like I had failed in just about every way possible. My marriage was falling apart. My kids were gone. And now, I was going to lose my job, and possibly my pension. I always thought I was a good cop, and now, all of that was gone. Everything I worked for…put my heart and soul into…was going to be gone. Just like that."

"This is _exactly_ why you should have answered my calls." Olivia said insistently, feeling the tears take a back seat to frustration. "We've always been there for each other. To work through these tough times. Together."

"I know." Elliot interrupted her. "I know." He repeated. "But this time." He shook his head slightly. "You don't know what was going through my mind." IAB kept drilling him, not only about Jenna, but about every incident that had happened in his career. "The more they kept hammering me, the more I started to believe them."

Olivia furrowed her brows, confused by where this was going. The Elliot she knew was strong and confident, and she couldn't imagine he would be cowed by some hard-ass cops. "How many times have we told IAB to fuck off?"

"This was different." Elliot wasn't sure how he could possibly explain how things had unraveled.

Elliot's calm, even tone unnerved her. He was trying to tell her something, and even though she had a lot more to say, she wanted to hear what he had to say. "How?" She asked. "How was this different?"

Elliot needed a moment. He turned and walked back towards the living room, collapsing back into the chair. He hoped Olivia would follow him, and a moment later, he heard her feet against the floor. He didn't look up but caught her in his peripheral vision as she reclaimed her seat on the couch.

"El?"

Elliot lifted his head, surprised to hear the familiar nickname. It was the smallest form of an olive branch, and he knew it was her way of telling him that she was listening.

Elliot cleared his throat, fisting one hand into the palm of his other hand. "The interviews with the brass were like walking through this history of a shady cop. They brought up every shitty complaint, whether it had been dismissed or not. Every charge…every suspicion." It pained him to relive that time, but it was important to tell her. To help her understand his frame of mind. "When I really started to think about it…think about the cop I was, the man I was, the only good part of me…was you."

TBC


	7. Chapter 7

AN: This is where we left off:

Elliot cleared his throat, fisting one hand into the palm of his other hand. "The interviews with the brass were like walking through this history of a shady cop. They brought up every shitty complaint, whether it had been dismissed or not. Every charge…every suspicion." It pained him to relive that time, but it was important to tell her. To help her understand his frame of mind. "When I really started to think about it…think about the cop I was, the man I was, the only good part of me…was you."

"What?" Olivia was so focused on Elliot's self-flagellation to comprehend his last comment. But then it hit her. "I don't even know what that means."

Elliot cut her off. "You pulled me back from the edge so many times. IAB was looking at all of our cases and I started to wonder what would have happened to me if I hadn't had you for a partner all those years." He remembered sitting in the small, cramped room with Tucker and his cronies as they reviewed case after case.

"We balanced each other out." Olivia interjected. "There were times I went off the deep end and you were the voice of reason. That's why we worked so well. _Together._" She added for emphasis.

"But that's exactly my point." Elliot said, moving to the edge of his seat and staring directly at her, narrowing his eyes. "IAB had me in their sights. I knew it wasn't going to end well." He sighed deeply, feeling his shoulders sag slightly. "I didn't want you to be collateral damage."

Olivia shrunk back slightly, surprised by his comment. "What?"

"IAB was digging into everything, and I was worried they were going to come after you next."

"Why?" Olivia was confused by his comment. "They didn't have anything on me."

"Does it matter?" Elliot asked pointedly. They'd always been able to make through any IAB investigation, but they'd always been on the radar. There were always suspicions, about their behavior, their clear rate, their partnership, and their relationship. "Tucker's always wanted to take us down since Day 1."

Olivia knew he was right, and she didn't trust IAB. They had certainly threatened them over the years. "He wouldn't find anything."

"He certainly wouldn't have hesitated to drag you through the mud though. To bring up…" Elliot swallowed. "Everything."

Suddenly, everything shifted, and she heard what Elliot wasn't saying. She felt like she couldn't breathe. "You…" She could barely find her voice, and it came out as a strained whisper. She swallowed, trying to comprehend the enormity of what he was telling her. "You made a deal with IAB."

"You _were_ the best of us Olivia. And you still had a lot of work to do. A lot of victims to help. I couldn't let them…" He shook his head. "_Wouldn't_ let them, take you down with me."

Olivia bent over, scrubbing the palms of her hands down her thighs as her breathing became more ragged.

Elliot watched as she struggled with the truth of what he'd told her. His urge was to comfort her, but there was more to the story, and he forged ahead. "I couldn't talk to you. I couldn't face you. I knew you'd march into IAB and tell them exactly what you thought. Defend me, like you always did. There was no question in my mind that Tucker would have enjoyed taking you out, even despite our deal. I couldn't risk it."

Olivia looked up at him. "I don't even know what to say. El…" Her emotions just kept crashing over her in waves. She'd been so angry and so hurt for so long, but this cast all that in a new light. The sacrifice he'd made on her behalf dredged up feelings of guilt and remorse. "You still could have talked to me. Let me know what we were up against."

Elliot shook his head. "You wouldn't have let me make a deal with them." He said definitively.

He watched as she straightened up and tried to compose herself, but he also saw the pain and doubt in her eyes. She knew that we he said was true. "Just because I didn't come to you doesn't mean I didn't want to." He said softly. "It was so hard, hearing the pleading in your voicemails. It's one of the hardest things I've ever done."

'I didn't understand why you were pushing me away."

"I know." Elliot said. "I know." He repeated. "I just _couldn't_." He watched the words sink in, and he knew that Olivia understood to some degree. "You've never put yourself first the whole time I've known you. In the years we've been together you've risked your happiness, your career and even you own personal safety more times than I can count." He shook his head. "You've made my life, my family and my happiness _your_ priority. And now…it was my turn. I wasn't going to fail you again."

"You never failed me…"

Elliot put up a hand to stop her. "I have failed you more ways than I can even count." Elliot ran a hand over his head, squeezing the back of his neck. He pushed himself out of the chair and paced over to the windows, feeling a nervous energy coiled up inside. "Once I'd made my deal with IAB, I went away. I went to a friend's cabin upstate for a couple of weeks. I just…I had to get away and just _think._ I needed to clear my head from all the noise. IAB, Cragen, Kathy." He turned back to face her. "You."

"Me? We weren't even talking."

"You don't think you were on my mind?" He asked. "Christ Liv. I couldn't _stop_ thinking about you. It had been at least a month by then, and I'd never been away from you for that long except when you…" He scrubbed a hand down his face. "When you were in Oregon. And when I thought about that time, for me, I knew exactly how you were feeling. I heard it in your voicemails and all I kept thinking about was that I was doing the same damn thing to you. I hated it."

"Even after all that time, I would have picked up. I would have just been so happy to hear you voice and to find out how you were doing." Olivia said. There had been so many times she'd been tempted to call Kathy, or even Kathleen, just to hear any kind of update. She'd even considered driving out to Queens. But she had decided to leave it in his hands.

"I know." He said with a heavy sigh. "But…" He looked away briefly, trying to gather his thoughts, and was thankful that Olivia was silent. When he looked back over at her, he saw the same wariness in her eyes as before. She was steeling herself for whatever else he was going to say. "I had a lot of time to think. I thought about the course of our partnership. How we were when we were younger, and then how things changed and morphed over the years. I started to wonder how much I'd held you back. I started to think about how the choices I'd made impacted you. In your professional life and your personal life."

"I made my own choices." Olivia said emphatically, hating what Elliot implied.

"Did you though?" Elliot asked. He leaned forward. "Did all the black marks on my record keep you from being promoted? Did you want to do something else, but felt guilty of leaving me behind? And that was just your professional life. Don't even get me started about your personal life." He saw Olivia had an objection on her lips, but he kept going. "I was jealous of every guy you dated, and while I didn't tell you outright, I found ways of letting you know. So much so, that you went from not telling me about your dates to not dating at all."

"I dated." Olivia said defensively but she saw the look of skepticism on Elliot's face. "Maybe I just get tired of the whole dating scene."

"So, you're telling me that you haven't dated since I've left?"

Olivia narrowed her eyes, wondering if Elliot was just fishing, or if somehow, he knew about her relationship with David Haden. She decided she wasn't going to confess to anything. "I don't know where this conversation is going, but this is ridiculous. I didn't control you and you didn't control me. We were partners Elliot. Nothing more."

Elliot straightened up slightly. Here was the Olivia he knew. On the offensive, taking control.

"You believe that?" He asked. Olivia's reaction was sudden, almost as if he'd slapped her. She didn't expect him to go there, but she'd walked right into it. "Maybe not in the beginning." He continued. And he knew he couldn't even define a timeframe for when things had changed. "Every decision I made and every decision you made was impacted by each other. Either consciously or unconsciously. And if you don't understand that or believe that…"

"Stop." Olivia said. "Just stop." This was wading into dangerous territory.

"A little too close to the truth?" Elliot taunted her. But then softened. He really hadn't meant to go down this path. It was too much, and it wasn't fair to her. "Olivia." He said softly, and her eyes reconnected with his. "I'm just trying to tell you…" He let out a heavy sigh. "I was a selfish bastard. I wanted my wife and my family, but I also wanted to keep you by my side. The thought of you meeting someone and getting married…of leaving me. It was just too much." He wiped his hand across his upper lip. "And I started to think what would happen if I called you? A couple of months had passed. Were you over the anger and the pain? Or would it be like reopening the wound? And really…what would be? Friends? An occasional lunch or dinner here and there? Some phone calls and some texts?" He shook his head. "I decided I needed to stop being so goddamn selfish. I needed to let you go. To let you live your life. I'd already taken too much of it."

Olivia wanted to roll her eyes. "And you don't think that making all the decisions about me and my life, about us and our friendship, is the very _definition_ of selfish?" Olivia was still wrestling with the choices he'd made and all that it implied, but she couldn't get over the fact that he had made all of them in a vacuum.

"I know that it is. It was. It took months and months of counseling to untangle the complexity of _our_ relationship, my relationship with Kathy and even with my kids. Our partnership…" He signed heavily. "All of it." He said heavily. "And when I came out on the other side of it, it all boiled down to the choices I had made." He shook his head. "I had made them with the best intentions. I believed that I was doing the right thing." He wasn't going to rehash all the conversations he'd had with his psychiatrist with the battle to live up to everyone' expectations of who I should be as a cop and a man and a husband and a father. How he'd tried to honor his commitments and his vows, while secretly falling in love with his partner. "I wished I could do it over again. All of it. But it was done."

Olivia was somewhat shocked that Elliot had gone for counseling, when he'd always fought it in the past. "You talked about us?" She asked tentatively.

"Yes." He nodded. "I talked about everything." He confessed. "Honestly, I'd never put much faith in counseling before. But I was so lost." He remembered the first session, where he'd kept everything close to the vest, and then his last. "Once I got started, I couldn't stop talking."

"I'm glad you got the help you needed." Olivia said. She was being sincere. She'd thought about going herself in the aftermath of Elliot's departure.

Maybe she should have.

"But after all that…" Olivia continued. "You still didn't think to pick up the phone?"

"I never _stopped_ thinking about it." Elliot said. "But for some reason, I wasn't ready to face you. Other decisions were easier. Kathy and I divorced." He shook his head. "I never should have gone back in the first place. I got a new apartment. A new job." He didn't elaborate. "But you. That was the toughest decision. A year had gone by, and I just didn't know if it was better to let things be. If I was only thinking about myself by reaching out. Or if it was better to call you…"

"At least I would have had some part of the decision. To pick up your call or hang up on you."

"I know." Elliot said. "Another bad decision."

They both fell silent.

There was a strange tension in the room. Elliot's confession about his deal with IAB had changed things, but the decisions he'd made after left them right back where they'd started. She was so confused, a tangle of emotions. She just hadn't had enough time to process everything he'd told her. She finally found her voice, unsure if she wanted to even ask the question that was on her mind. "So…why now? Why are you here?"

"When I saw you at the restaurant…" He paused, uncertain if he could even adequately convey the feelings that seeing her had evoked. "It just hurt all over." He said. "I wanted to have you sitting across from me, telling me about your day. I wanted to see your smile and hear you laugh. I wanted to know if you were happy, or if there was someone to help you through the painful parts of your days. I just…God. I was so tired of missing you."

Olivia was surprised by his brutally honest response, but she could understand it. As much as she wanted to be angry with Elliot…as much as she _was _angry with Elliot…she had missed him too. But she wasn't ready to share that with him.

"Maybe it was another bad decision. Lord knows, I've made a lot of them. But I'm weak when it comes to you, and once I saw you, I couldn't stay away. I appreciate the fact that we're here right now, and I'd like to keep talking. There's so much I want to tell you…" He could see the conflict in Olivia's features. The shine in her eyes meant she was holding back tears, but the hard line of her mouth told him she was trying to stay strong. "It's up to you now. Do you think we can keep talking? Or are you going to tell me to go to hell?"

Olivia stood up, feeling absolutely overwhelmed by the memories and the emotions that having Elliot here invoked. She needed some time. "I don't know." She choked out, biting down hard to stop any emotion from escaping. "Right now, I want to tell you to go to hell." She saw the resigned expression on Elliot's face, as if he'd been expecting that very response from her. "I need some time to wrap my head around everything you've told me tonight." She was being as honest as she could be.

"Okay." Elliot said, standing up but not moving any closer to her. "Take all the time you need." He hated putting that out there, because he had so much more he wanted to say. He was thinking that maybe he should have pushed her. Maybe he should have told her exactly how he felt about her. But he knew it would have been too much. She wasn't ready to hear it, and she would have kicked him out.

Or maybe not.

"Liv…I need you to know…"

"I need you to leave." Olivia said, putting up her hands in a defensive gesture to shield herself from whatever he'd been about to say. "I can't…" She shook her head. "You need to leave." She headed towards the door, leaving no question at all about her request. "Now."

Elliot hesitated for a moment, but he could see her mind was made up. He headed towards the door, fighting the compulsion to hug her and the desire to kiss her. As he neared her, he stared straight into her eyes. "Please tell me that this isn't the last time I'm going to see you." The reality of that had snuck up on him but now it was a stark possibility.

"I can't promise you that." Olivia said, feeling a few errant tears spill over her lower lashes as she opened the door. She could tell Elliot wanted to say something, but he was holding himself back. One word, one touch, and she knew she would weaken and melt into him, crying like a fool. But instead, he just gave her this sad look.

"Goodbye Olivia." He whispered quietly.

Then he was gone.


	8. Chapter 8

AN: I looked back at the last update and can honestly say that I don't think I've ever gone this long without updating one of my FF's. I'm truly sorry for leaving you hanging. Or maybe you've already lost interest because there is so much good EO Fic getting authored right now! It's a wonderful time as excitement grows for Elliot's return to the Law and Order universe. Anyway, I promise to update soon(ish), but I really have to take it one day at a time. First the pandemic and then the tragic events here in Minneapolis where I live have really been a lot to process, but this is a good escape! Enjoy!

EOEOEOEO

Elliot replayed his conversation with Olivia all the way home. He agonized about the things said and those left unsaid, wondering if he should have pushed the conversation further. He couldn't shake the feeling he'd had as she had ushered to the door…that it might very well have been the last time he'd see her.

He wondered what she had been running through her mind as he'd tried to relay the sequence of events that had led him to break with her so completely. He'd seen a wide range of emotions play across her face as he'd tried to provide some insight as to his state of mind at the time, but he had expected no less. It was a lot to take in. They had rippled across her features as she'd been unable to land on just one, but he had seen the moment that Olivia realized that everything she'd thought she'd known had been put a new perspective.

It didn't forgive what he'd done, but he hoped it might help her understand that it wasn't what he had wanted. He'd been trying to protect her to the end.

She had accused him of being selfish in his decision to protect her from the potential fallout.

He hadn't thought of it that way, but he could see some truth in that.

She said he hadn't failed her like he'd thought, but on that point, she was wrong.

If he hadn't been such a loose gun over the years, IAB wouldn't have had them in their sites. If he hadn't let himself get a little too close to his partner, IAB wouldn't have painted her with the same brush as they'd painted him. If he hadn't been such a selfish son-of-a-bitch, he wouldn't have let her sacrifice herself over and over again to save him and they wouldn't have ended up here.

He smashed his open palm against the steering wheel. "Fuck!"

He wished she would have raged at him. He wished she would have stood up and slapped him and told him what a bastard he was.

Somehow, it would have been easier.

In fact, based on their past history, he had kind of expected it. She had, no doubt, spent the last 18 months building up a fair amount of animosity for him. She would have used her anger and resentment to build a shield around herself. To protect herself. Seeing him would have unleashed all of that, and in a way, he knew how to deal with that. This was what they did. They'd get it all out, stalk away, and then come back some time later and resume, as if nothing had happened.

But this…

He didn't know where he stood with her right now. And that led him right back to that feeling of dread.

Like this was it.

He should have…

He could have…

Elliot looked for a place to pull over and found an empty spot two blocks up, knowing he was too unfocused to be behind the wheel right now. He put the car in park, but left it idling as he replayed the conversation over again, looking for the mistakes he'd made that had led her to push him towards the door.

But there wasn't any, because he had told her the truth. There were no versions of it and hiding any parts of it from her wouldn't have served any purpose. He could admit now that he'd made mistakes, but he couldn't take it back.

Their future was in her hands. And he supposed that was only right. He had robbed her of the past 18 months, and now it was her turn.

He just hoped it wasn't a lifetime sentence.

EOEOEOEO

Olivia collapsed on the couch and scrubbed her hands down her face, more confused than ever. Her original intent in letting him come had been to tell him what as ass he was and to tell him that he could go straight to hell for the way he had treated her. She wanted the satisfaction of throwing him out of her apartment.

She had wanted closure.

Now, she was left with emotions she couldn't control and thoughts she couldn't make sense of.

Maybe it would have been better to have refused him. Maybe it would have been better to believe her own lies. That she didn't miss him. That she didn't care about the what's or whys. That she didn't still love him.

"Fuck." She muttered under her breath.

_He'd made a deal with IAB. He'd left to protect her from the fallout._

Olivia closed her eyes, turning those thoughts over and examining them again. Everything she'd said had been true. He could have confided in her. But if the tables had been turned, could she honestly say she wouldn't have done the same?

"_Oh Elliot_." She whispered. "What did you do?" Slowly, she felt the months of doubt and anger start to slip away. She hadn't realized how it had permeated her core. How this monster had been balled up inside like a living, festering thing. It had impacted her relationship with Amaro and the other members of the squad, changed how she treated suspects, and probably in how she dealt with the victims too.

Maybe worst of all, she had believed the worst in Elliot. The man she'd known longer than almost anyone in her life. She had thrown out everything she'd known about his character and painted him as the villain. She had given up on him, probably when he'd needed her most.

And yet, he had shown up tonight. He had taken a risk and had bared himself to her. No matter what the cost or outcome. He had taken all the blame, when in reality, they both had played a part.

Olivia was crying freely now, thinking about how these past months could have played out so differently. If she hadn't left voicemails, telling him that quitting wasn't an option, and making him feel as if there was nothing else besides their partnership. If she would have told him to take some time…that she would be there whenever he was ready to talk. If only she had kept calling, uttering words of support instead of an increasing level of anger and frustration. If only she'd kept calling, or better yet, and pushed her stubbornness to the side and taken that drive out to Queens.

Olivia lifted her head when she heard her phone buzzing on the coffee table. She hoped to God it wasn't Fin. She couldn't go out to a crime scene right now. She wiped the tears away and tried to collect herself so it wouldn't be apparent that she'd been crying. Olivia cleared her throat as she reached for her phone, but she stopped short when she saw Elliot's name on the screen. It had only been about thirty minutes since he'd left; forty at the most. She'd been clear when she told him that she needed some time and space.

He'd gone without a fight.

So why was he calling her now?

The call ended as she held the phone in her hand, and a message popped up on the screen.

_One missed call._

Olivia stared at the phone, wondering if he had dialed her number by accident.

That _had_ to be it.

But she stared at the phone, and realized she was hoping it would ring again. She knew she had pushed him to leave, and that it had probably been the right decision. Even this small span of time had given her time to regroup and think. But now she felt unsettled…like they need to finish what they had started.

The phone started buzzing in her hand, almost as if she had willed it into happening. She saw Elliot's name flash on to the screen, and her heart skipped a beat. It rang three times before she managed to gather herself and answer it.

"Hello." She said in a rush, hearing the thickness in her voice that gave away the fact that she'd been crying. There was silence on the other end, and for a moment, she thought that maybe he had hung up. "Elliot?" She asked softly.

"I didn't think you'd pick up." He said finally. Olivia could hear the strain in his voice. "I tried not to call." He said quickly. "I know you said to give you some time…"

"It's okay." Olivia said, cutting him off. She didn't need to hear the reasons. "I wouldn't have answered if I didn't want to." She said, clearing her throat.

"Are you okay?" Elliot asked. He could hear the nasal sound in her voice, and he hated that he had made her cry.

"I am." Olivia confirmed, knowing exactly what he was asking her. "It was just…" She searched for the right word. "A lot." She said, knowing that it didn't even begin to convey what she'd meant. It was the best she could come up with.

Elliot didn't seem to have a response, and silence hung between them. It seemed to go on for minutes, but Olivia knew it probably hadn't been that long when she finally spoke. "What do you want?" She said, keeping her voice soft.

Elliot answered right away. "I know I shouldn't have a called." He said. "But I…"

"No." Olivia said, interrupting him again. "What do you want…from _me_?" She expanded on her question, hoping that he understood what she meant. There was another extended silence before he answered.

"Whatever you're willing to give me." Elliot said.

His answer was so simple and so heart-felt that Olivia could feel the tears starting to form again. "What if I don't know what that is?" She whispered.

"Then I'll wait until you do."

Olivia was quiet again, thinking back to his earlier comment. _And really…what would we be? Friends? _She honestly didn't know what she wanted the future to look like. She had a lot to think about. "I have some things I have to work through."

"I know." Elliot said.

"When you think something is one way for so long, and then you find out it's something completely different…"

"I know." Elliot repeated. He knew how Olivia's mind worked, and that she needed some time to process everything he'd said. He also felt like a shit because he'd treated her like every other person in her life. Something he'd sworn he'd never do. "I'm in no position to make demands." He said. "So, I'll try to be patient and I'll try to be accepting of whatever you decide."

"You're going to be patient?"

Elliot felt the tension break with the barb she'd thrown at him, and he felt a sense of relief wash over him. She wasn't telling him to fuck off and he was taking that as a good sign. "It's one of my strengths." He teased back, and he broke into a half smile. The tightness in his chest was loosening, and he felt like he could take a full breath for the first time since he'd left Olivia's apartment.

"I guess I'd forgotten." Olivia said, thankful that Elliot had picked up on her need to ease things between them. There was another brief silence between them, and she knew the conversation was over, but she didn't want to hang up. "Where are you right now?" She asked.

"I'm sitting in my truck, just a couple of miles from your apartment." Elliot confessed. He wasn't going to tell her that he'd almost lost his shit and had been forced to get off the road.

"I could use a coffee." Olivia said, surprised by her own suggestion. "Do you want to meet me at Mott's Diner?" It wasn't one of the places they had frequented, so it felt safe somehow. "It's on 57th, off Broadway."

Elliot could barely believe that she was inviting him to meet up with her. "They have pie there?" He asked, trying to act nonchalant when he was secretly teeming with anticipation.

"I don't know. Is it a deal breaker if they don't?"

"Absolutely not." He said quickly. "Want me to pick you up?" He asked.

"No." Olivia said quickly. "I'll meet you there." She looked at her watch. "30 minutes?" She needed some time to pull herself together.

"Yeah…that's perfect."

"Uh…El?" She caught him before he hung up. "Just one condition."

"Anything."

"I don't want to talk about anything tonight." She said. Then she realized how ridiculous that sounded. "I mean, we can talk, but…"

"I know what you mean." Elliot said, hoping to ease her fears and keep the tension between them as low as possible. "We can talk about the Mets and the crappy season they're having."

Olivia smiled for the first time all day. "I'd like that."

Elliot smiled too, knowing how much she hated baseball. "I'm sure." He joked. "Hey…I just want to say…well. Thanks. I wasn't ready to go home."

"I'll see you in a little bit." Olivia said, right before she ended the call. She slid her phone onto the coffee table, already questioning her decision. But she couldn't deny the undercurrent of excitement that meeting up with Elliot had caused. Since she had laid the ground rules, it felt safer to meet up with him and she hoped that when she walked away, she'd have a better idea of how to move forward.


	9. Chapter 9

Elliot let out a sigh of relief when he saw Olivia alight from the cab. She was almost twenty minutes late, and he'd almost convinced himself that she wasn't going to show, regretting her decision to meet him or leaving him waiting as some kind of payback. She was distracted by a young couple trying to grab her cab, and he used those moments to take her in. She was still wearing jeans but had thrown a lightweight, black cardigan sweater over a white t-shirt and paired it with some white sneakers. He saw her react to something the couple said to her, and when she broke into a smile, the ache returned.

_God_, he had missed her _so damned much_.

He watched as she turned towards him, the light from the streetlamp catching her eyes and the remnant of the smile still gracing her lips, as she looked towards the diner. She saw him almost immediately as he straightened up from where he'd been leaning against the building, and he saw a flicker of uncertainty cross her features before she gave him a close-lipped smile and started walking towards him.

"Sorry I'm late." Olivia apologized as she got a little closer. She saw Elliot shrug as if it were no big deal, but she could tell from his demeanor that he was a little tense. "Did you think I wasn't going to show?" She asked, raising one eyebrow in question.

Elliot cocked his head sideways, surprised to hear the comment that had been running through his mind all evening. "You'd never do that." He said, and he saw another small smile grace her lips, as if she knew he was full of shit.

"You never know." Olivia teased, and she saw Elliot's shoulders relax as they bantered back and forth. He seemed to appreciate the easiness of it, and she did too. She had already told him that she didn't want any serious discussion, and she hoped the joking set the tone for the night.

Elliot jerked his head towards the diner. "It's pretty jammed in there." He said. "I went in to grab a table, but they said it would be a wait. I didn't know what you wanted to do."

Olivia glanced up and down the street. "We can go somewhere else." Every city block held a multitude of choices; they had to be able to find a spot.

Elliot nodded in agreement. "Are you set on a diner?" He asked.

Olivia gave a half a shrug. "Not particularly."

"If you're not too picky, we could go to Moe's around the corner. Grab a burger and a beer."

When Olivia had suggested a bite, she had purposefully suggested a place that didn't serve alcohol, wanting to avoid anything that might make her weak in resolve. But right now, a cold beer sounded fantastic, and she thought maybe a little liquid courage could only help. There was still an undercurrent of nervous energy coursing through her, and she knew she needed to ratchet back her anxiety just a little, so she didn't get emotional or worse yet, lose her temper.

Elliot must have sensed her hesitation, because he chimed in again almost immediately. "Or we can find another coffee shop or…"

"Moe's is fine." Olivia said. "Although, I'm a little underdressed." She said, glancing down at her t-shirt and her sneakers.

"You look beautiful." Elliot said, the words slipping out of his mouth before he could censor himself.

Olivia raised an arched eyebrow at him, slightly taken aback by the timber of his voice and the emotion behind it.

"You look great." Elliot said, chastising himself for not censoring his comments until he realized his attempt at recovery was pretty much the same. "It's just a bar." He said quickly, swiping his hand across his mouth.

"Lead the way." Olivia said, grateful for that night had finally fallen so Elliot couldn't see the way his compliment had warmed her skin. She watched as Elliot tilted his head off to the right, indicating the direction they were headed. Elliot waited until she had closed the gap between them, and they fell in step, making their way down the sidewalk. Their arms brushed incidentally a few times as they walked, but she noticed he made no effort to put any space between them.

She didn't either.

She fought to keep the memories at bay as they made their way down the street, weaving through groups of people on the sidewalk. "Is it much farther?" She asked, breaking the silence in an attempt to keep herself focused on the here and now. "I could use that beer." She said, questioning the wisdom of meeting up with him again.

"Here we are." Elliot said, reaching out and snagging the back of her arm lightly with his left hand as he reached for the door with his right. Olivia looked at him as the door opened and all the noise from the bar spilled out.

EOEOEOEO

The first beer had gone down a bit too quickly as they made small talk about how busy the diner had been, the history of Moe's, and the characters sitting at the long bar that took up almost the entirety of the right side of the place. Olivia could feel Elliot's continuous assessment of her. He was trying to look casual as his eyes moved from her face to her hair to her hands and back, over and over, but she supposed she was doing the same to him. It was an attempt to catalog his features and expressions, retracing the scars on his knuckles and the lines of his face, and taking comfort that his eyes were as blue as she had remembered and that his crooked smile was still as charming as she recalled. These were things she thought she never could have forgotten after all of their time together, but she knew time had a way of chipping away at your memory and she had been afraid she wouldn't remember them so precisely.

"Your hair is longer." Elliot said, breaking Olivia out of her reverie.

She couldn't help but to grab the hank of hair where it hung over her shoulder and run her hand down the length of it where is landed on the swell of her breast. She dropped her hand back on the table.

"And darker." Elliot commented.

"Yeah. Just trying something different."

"I like it."

Olivia wanted to make some kid of snide comment about how important it was to have the Elliot Stabler stamp of approval, but she wasn't sure it would come off as a joke, so she left it. "Tell me about the kids." She said, wanting to get off the topic of her personal appearance before he noted the new lines in her face and the fatigue in her eyes.

Elliot leaned back on the bench seat, chiding himself for making another personal comment. But he couldn't seem to help himself. The image of her always haunted his dreams, day and night, and he was still somewhat surprised to be sitting across from her now. He couldn't help but drink her in because that feeling that this may be the last time still nagged at him. "The kids." He said, lifting his right arm to rest on the top of the bench while he shifted on the seat.

Olivia relaxed slightly, running her fingers along the surface of the glass in front of her. She knew Elliot could go on for a while on this topic, and it felt safe and comfortable. He didn't go in any particular order as he rattled of details of Dick and Lizzie's freshman year at different colleges, and Maureen's long-term boyfriend that he assumed was going to become an engagement soon. He grumped about the fact that they were living together, and she couldn't help but smile at his slight disapproval. "Is it the living arrangements or the man you disapprove of?" She teased as he took a moment to finish off his beer.

"I never said I didn't approve." He waved his arm trying to capture the waiter's attention and made a motion for another round of beers. He turned his gaze back to Olivia. "She's my little girl." He said simply, knowing Olivia saw right through him.

"She's not a little girl." She said, finishing off the last of her beer. "But then again, you've always been a bit overprotective of the women in your life." She said, giving him a small smile as she set her empty glass on the table.

Elliot laughed as he dropped his arm from the back of the bench and shifted to face her more directly. "Just a little?" He asked, knowing that she included herself in that group. He brought his hands together to rest on the bottom of his glass. "I just want the women in my life to be happy and safe and well cared for." He looked up at her. "Is that too much to ask?"

"Is Maureen happy? Is she in love?"

"Seems to be." Elliot said begrudgingly.

"Then relax and be happy for her." Olivia said, reaching out and touching Elliot's hand briefly before pulling it back across the table.

The touch of her hand surprised him, and he stared back and forth between her eyes while he screwed up the courage to ask the question that had been nagging him. "Are _you_ happy?" Elliot asked, dropping his eyes to the empty glass in front of him and wishing the waiter would hurry up with the next one.

Olivia knew what Elliot was asking. It was the same fishing he'd done earlier in the night. She wasn't sure if she wanted to answer him. The relationship between she and David was private, and something she still cherished as he'd been there for her at a time when she'd really needed something to hold on to. "I…" She started, but then stopped.

"It's none of my business." Elliot said, even though he was desperate to know if she was seeing someone. If she had fallen in love. "Is it that guy you were having dinner with?" He asked quickly and he was rewarded with a laugh.

"Barba?" Olivia shook her head, laughing at how quickly he had forgotten that it wasn't his place to pry. "He's the ADA for the unit, and we really _were_ having a working dinner." She wondered how well Elliot would have gotten along with Rafael Barba, and she decided they probably wouldn't have gotten along at all.

"All work and no play." Elliot said, knowing he was being transparent as hell.

"Are you asking me if I have a boyfriend?" Olivia asked bluntly, and she saw Elliot was surprised that she'd put it out there. "I did…" She said with a sigh. "But it didn't work out." She said, deciding that was all she was willing to give him. "Why? Do you have someone you want to fix me up with?" She teased. She loved the look of shock that crossed Elliot's face before he managed to recover. But the slow, lazy smile that followed ratcheted up her nerves, and she realized her misstep. "I don't recall any of your friends being single." She said quickly, letting him know that she very specifically had NOT been referring to him as a potential suitor.

But she knew that this was _exactly_ where this conversation had led.

They both knew it.

From the moment she'd let him into her apartment, the things left unsaid and the relationship between them had been the underlying narrative and the thread that tied them together.

Thankfully, the waiter chose that moment to bring their beers, and they both caught their breath and calmed their nerves as they ordered some burgers and fries.

Olivia took a long drink, almost draining half the glass, and admonished herself to slow down. "What's Kathleen up to?" She asked, steering them back into a safe harbor. Olivia knew that Elliot and Kathleen had a special bond, and she loved the smile on his face as he started talking about her.

"She's gone into Social Work Liv. I'm so proud of her. She's really gotten her life on track and she's just…" He let out a sigh. "She's doing so great. She said to say hi." He said leaning forward slightly. "She sees you as a role model." He beamed. "And I can't think of a better one."

"You told her that we talked?" Olivia asked, feeling warmth course through her at Elliot's praise. She couldn't believe his approval was still so important to her, but obviously it was.

Elliot nodded. "She understands." He said simply, and he knew he didn't have to elaborate. Olivia confirmed it with the nod of her head.

"And Eli?" Olivia said, hearing the pride in her own voice as she said his name.

"He's in preschool." Elliot said. "And he's a handful."

"I wouldn't expect anything else." Olivia said. "Look who he's named after." She saw Elliot grin, and it confirmed how proud he'd always been of his family. It's what had made it so important…what she had worked so hard to keep at the forefront of her mind during those times when she'd wanted to act impulsively and give in to the desires that had frustrated them both. "I'm glad to hear that everyone is doing well. It makes all of the hard work and the sacrifices worth it, doesn't it?"

Elliot nodded slowly and Olivia wondered if the same thoughts were running through his mind as she had on hers.

"I made some mistakes." Elliot said, thinking about all the missteps with Kathy and the kids…and Olivia.

"We all did." Olivia said softly.

"Some worse than others." Elliot said, feeling the weight of all of the decisions he'd made over the years and the pain he had caused.

"If you had to do it over again, would you have done anything differently? Would either of us?" Olivia asked rhetorically. "We made the best decisions we could with the cards we were dealt." They had strayed far off the path of topics that were comfortable, and she shifted in her seat. She wasn't ready for this, which is why she had laid the ground rules for the evening in the first place.

"I would have done some things differently." Elliot started, sending her unease but forging ahead anyway. "I shouldn't have…"

Olivia cut him off. "We can't change the past." Olivia said, repeating something they'd both discussed earlier in the evening. "All we can do is look to the future."

Elliot wanted to say more. He wanted to apologize once again, even though it did nothing to erase the damage that had been done. So, he let it go and focused on her last comment. He could tell that Olivia had tensed up again, and he wanted to get back to a place where she could let down her guard. "So, if we're looking to the future, then am I off probation?" He said it in a teasing tone, to try to lighten the mood.

Olivia cocked her head and rolled her eyes, just as the waiter delivered their meals. "Not even close." Olivia said. "But you have the rest of the evening to try to convince me."


	10. Chapter 10

Olivia found herself laughing while Elliot regaled her with stories of Eli's misbehavior, and before she knew it, her burger was gone, and she had drained another beer. "I hate to think what he's going to be like as a teenager." Olivia said with one last laugh. "Too bad his dad's not a cop anymore and won't be able to get him off the hook if he gets in any serious trouble."

"That's okay. I have faith that his guardian angel will still be on the job." Elliot looked at her pointedly.

"You're talking about me?" Olivia asked, flattening the palm of her hand against her chest.

"Who else?"

Olivia felt a slight blush in her cheeks at the nickname. She had never heard Elliot use that term before and it warmed her heart.

"I always wonder if maybe he got some of his fearlessness from you." Elliot said. He always celebrated Eli's birthday with a hint of sadness, remembering how he'd almost lost Eli, Kathy and Olivia.

God had been watching out for him that day.

Olivia smiled at the thought of that, remembering how she'd cradled the newborn in the ambulance, as if it were the most precious thing in the world. "I'd love to see him again."

Elliot smiled at her comment. It implied there would be an opportunity to see her in the future, and while she hadn't said anything directly, he was going to take it.

"What are you smirking about over there?" Olivia asked

Elliot didn't respond directly to her question. "I'd love for you to see him again." He hesitated a second before forging ahead. "In fact, I'm going to have him at my apartment this weekend." It was just four days away, and he knew that it was awfully soon to expect more from her, but he tossed it out there anyway. He watched as Olivia brushed her hair back from her face and looked at him with a bemused expression on her face. He couldn't decipher what was behind that expression, so he waited her out.

All kind of thoughts were running through Olivia's head, but she reminded herself to be cautious. She'd had three beers in pretty short order, and after an exhausting and emotional day, it was impacting her judgment. Sitting here with Elliot had been easy, and she could see how simple it would be to just dismiss the past eighteen months.

She closed her eyes momentarily, telling herself to tread carefully. There was no guarantee that Elliot was here to stay, and while she believed he was genuinely remorseful, she had to protect herself.

No one else would.

"You okay?"

Olivia opened her eyes and saw Elliot looking at her with concern. "Yeah."

"Sorry, I didn't mean to push." Elliot said.

"Is it okay if we get out of here?" Olivia asked. She fished in her pocket and pulled out $60, tossing it on the table as she slid from the booth without another word. She heard Elliot calling after her, but she was feeling overwhelmed and just needed to get out of the bar. She knocked into a couple of guys as she burst through the door and muttered a quick apology. Once outside, she walked down a short way, taking in deep breathes as she leaned against the side of the building, trying to clear her head.

"Olivia!" Elliot called her name as he cleared the door, and he looked left and right to try to find her. There was no way she could have grabbed a cab that quickly, unless she was incredibly lucky. Three seconds later, he spotted her in pretty much the same spot he had waited for her earlier in the evening. He repeated her name as he drew close, reaching for her arm but stopping just short of making contact. "What happened in there?"

Olivia could see the confusion on his face. She ran her hands down her face as she tried to gather her thoughts. "I just needed some fresh air."

Elliot looked at her skeptically. He wasn't buying it.

Olivia stood with her knees slightly bent and her hands resting on her thighs as her emotions waged war with each other. Although she had laid the ground rules for the evening, she hated that it was going so well. She hated that she was making it easy for him to insert himself back into her life, when she needed to be strong. To protect herself.

Elliot braced one arm against the building, to the left of her head. "Talk to me." He said as quietly as he could, while still being heard. He hated the look on her face right now. It was the expression she wore when she felt cornered somehow. When she felt the need to escape.

He hated it.

Olivia looked up at him and opened her mouth to speak, but nothing came out and she pressed her lips back together.

"Please." Elliot pleaded. "Tell me what's going on in that head of yours right now." He had a pretty good idea, but he didn't want to push her anymore than he already had. He waited a few seconds, but she couldn't seem to verbalize what she needed in that moment. "Do you want to go home?" He hated to suggest it, but he had promised to be patient. He had to give her space, or she'd demand it.

Everything in Olivia's core told her that she should say yes. She was tired and emotionally drained. She'd been drinking. Her decision-making ability was obviously compromised, or she would have headed to her apartment after a quick dinner and polite conversation.

But something inside of her wouldn't let her say the words.

Despite all of the reasons she shouldn't, Olivia was enjoying herself and wanted to spend more time with him. He didn't have any idea how much she had missed him. She looked back at him, seeing the disappointment he was trying to mask, already anticipating her answer. She swallowed hard, having made up her mind. "Can we just walk for a while?"

Elliot felt relief course through him, and he broke into a grin. "Anything you want." He could almost see the conflict that was raging inside of her, but he was happy that the battle seemed to be tipping in his favor. He wasn't pushing her, so he could honestly say the decision to spend the evening, and to _extend_ their evening, was all hers. He stepped back and held out his arm, indicating that she should lead the way.

Olivia straightened up and brushed past Elliot as she headed down the sidewalk in the direction he indicated. The late evening air had cooled a little and she shivered as she caught a breeze, wrapping her cardigan around her more tightly. Hopefully, the fresh air would help clear her head a little and keep her from saying or doing anything stupid.

Elliot fell into step alongside Olivia and they walked in silence for few blocks. "Anyplace in particular you want to go?" He asked, wondering if she had a location in mind.

"No." Olivia responded absentmindedly. She was distracted with other thoughts.

Elliot let it go. He could tell she was distracted by her thoughts, and he knew she'd talk when she was ready. They had walked about another half dozen blocks before he heard another word.

"The thing is…" Olivia started, staring straight ahead as she talked. "I don't need these kinds of complications in my life right now."

"What kinds of complications?"

Olivia glanced at him sideways before turning her attention back to the concrete walk in front of her. "Navigating this…" She waved her hands out in front of her. "Getting to know each other again."

"You act like we're strangers." Elliot said.

"Maybe we are." Olivia said. Elliot's departure from her life, the changes in the squad room, her relationship with David and even the cases she'd handled had changed her in so many ways. "I'm a different person than the one you left behind in that bloody squad room."

"The past 18 months doesn't erase 12 years."

Olivia stopped, forcing Elliot to stop as well. She looked him square in the eye. "I'm not the same person." Elliot put his hand on her upper arm and gently steered her up nearer to the buildings, getting them out of the path of other pedestrians. She noticed he left it there as he spoke.

"OK. Maybe you have changed. I'm sure I have too. But that doesn't make this complicated. In fact, it makes me want to spend even more time with you. It makes me want to get reacquainted even more."

Olivia snorted out a short laugh. "Reacquainted? She raised an eyebrow at him. "Is that what you want Elliot? To become _reacquainted_?"

Olivia's tone was sarcastic, and he could see the air quotes hanging in the air. "Stop it." He said abruptly, tired of this game she was playing. "Just stop it."

Olivia pulled back slightly at his tone, and Elliot's hand dropped from her arm.

"Stop pushing me away." He said. Before she could say anything else, he moved in closer, crowing her against the brick of the building behind her. "You don't think I know you? You don't think I know exactly what's going on in that mind of yours?" He asked, invading her personal space but not giving a damn. He had tried to be patient with her, but he guessed he would be heading to confession because he had told her a lie. He wasn't going to let this go.

"Elliot." Olivia said forcefully as she placed the palms of her hands against his chest. She was met with a wall of resistance, and she dropped them abruptly before giving in to the temptation of running them down his torso. She straightened up, refusing to give in to his intimidation tactics. "Then you probably know I'm thinking that you need to back the hell up."

"Not even close." Elliot said. He'd felt the way her hands lingered momentarily, and he could tell that she was affected by his proximity. Even after all this time, some things hadn't changed.

Olivia let out a small sound of frustration, but before she could come back with a smart comment, Elliot was talking again

"You're thinking that you should be angry with me for the way I left. You're thinking that there are no number of apologies that can make up for the way I treated you, and yet, now that you've found out what really happened, you're not quite sure how to react. You don't know where to place the blame, but it's not squarely on my shoulders anymore. Not completely. And that pisses you off because you had cultivated that hatred so carefully until you had convinced yourself that I was nothing but a distant memory…an asshole that didn't deserve anymore of your emotional energy. You're struggling with the fact that when you saw me, anger wasn't the only emotion you felt. You don't want to admit to yourself that you missed me, and that despite everything, you don't want me to walk out of your life again. Because that would mean you're excusing everything that happened. Even though it wasn't all my fault." He shifted slightly, taking in a much-needed breath as he continued to stare back and forth between Olivia's eyes. "So when you say you don't have time for complications, and you don't know how to navigate this, what you're really saying is that you can't figure out how to make sense of what you think you _should_ want and what you really _do_ want."

"Which is what exactly?" Olivia asked, feeling angry and uneasy because Elliot's description of her state of mind was so damned close to the truth. She felt a tremor run through her body at the low, lazy smile that crossed Elliot's face.

"Me." Elliot said, his tone low and filled with confidence.

"You're awfully full of yourself." Olivia said in disdain. She reached out to push him back again, but Elliot caught her hand and held it against his chest. She tried tugging it back, but he held on tightly, still looking at her with that smile on his face.

"You know it's true." Elliot said, moving just a little closer. "If you didn't, you wouldn't be here right now. You would have excised me out of your life completely. Never returned a text or a phone call…never agreed to meet me."

Olivia hated the way the heat from Elliot's hand was warming her body. She wasn't ready to give in. "You didn't give me much choice." She said, knowing her argument was weak. Her breathing was becoming shallow as he moved a hair closer. She could smell the beer on his breath and the cologne he wore, and it was making her head swim. "You said you were going to leave this up to me." She said, feeling like it was her last line of defense. _Why did his eyes have to be so blue?_

"I lied." Elliot said softly. He could feel her resistance weakening, and it only confirmed what he'd hoped all along. That she still had feelings for him…perhaps even loved him. "There's nothing standing in our way anymore." He closed the last few inches of space between them and ghosted his lips over hers. He heard a small sound escape from her right before he placed his mouth gently against hers, turning his head slightly so he could grasp her lips with his. His right hand came up, cradling the side of her head, and he closed his eyes, committing this moment to memory.

He would never have a first kiss with Olivia ever again, and it may be his last.


	11. Chapter 11

AN: It's been a while since I've updated this story, so I apologize for that. I feel like I left the other chapter right in the middle of things, so I would suggest that you read the last chapter again before you read this one, so that you're caught up in the flow and emotion of the story and this chapter makes sense.

EOEOEO

Olivia couldn't believe this was happening. The feel of his lips against hers was like nothing she had expected and yet everything she had imagined. She closed her eyes for a moment and leaned in slightly, but it was mere seconds before panic welled up inside of her. Her eyes flew open. She reacted without thinking. She pushed her forearm hard against Elliot's chest and her knee came up and connected with his thigh. Elliot called out, in either pain or surprise, and faltered backwards, losing all contact with her in the process.

"What do you think you're doing?" Olivia rasped out as she brought her fingers to her lips. She was breathing heavily, feeling a swarm of emotions. The kiss had shocked her. She knew that she wasn't without fault; she had let the pieces fall back into place too easily.

Elliot pressed his palm against his upper thigh. A few inches to the right and she would have gotten him in the groin. He wondered if that's what she had been aiming for. "I'm sorry." He sputtered out, seeing the look of panic on her face. "I thought…"

Olivia's interrupted him. "I just got done telling you that I'm not sure I need this complication in my life, and you decide that kissing me is a good idea?" The look of dismay on Elliot's face had registered, but the only thing she could focus on was getting away from him right now. Everything he'd said about what was going through her mind was spot on and there was a part of her that hated that he still knew her so well. "Did you think that a kiss was going to change my mind?" She asked, already straightening up, forcing him to take another step backward.

"Of course not." Elliot responded immediately. He shook his head, chastising himself. "I don't know. In the moment, it just seemed…" He honestly didn't have an explanation.

He reached out towards her, but Olivia held up her hand. "Don't." She watched as he took a few steps backward. "I shouldn't have come tonight." She said, taking the blame. It had been so easy between them tonight and she'd really been enjoying herself, but she'd let the evening go on too long…encouraged him.

"Don't say that." Elliot said.

"I just need some time." Everything was happening too quickly.

"How much time?" Elliot asked.

Olivia opened her mouth to say something but closed it again and shook her head. She could see that Elliot was upset and she felt an irrational urge to reach out and tell him it was going to be okay. But she couldn't do that. "Quit pushing me." She said. "I have to go."

Now it was Elliot's turn to panic. "Don't go. Can we go someplace and talk?"

"Elliot, please…"

Elliot knew he was losing her and sure enough, she turned, brushed by him and started to walk away. He knew he had to let her go, but he couldn't bear it. He hated that he had pushed her too far, that his actions had been responsible for driving her away. She had given him a chance and he'd ruined it. "Olivia!" He called out, following her down the sidewalk.

Olivia kept walking but it was only seconds before Elliot caught up.

"Please. I'm sorry. I fucked up." He said, trying to walk sideways and keep up as he tried to get her attention without touching her. But she wasn't slowing down. He wanted to grab her arm and stop her, ask her to listen to him, but there was no way he was going to touch her again. "Liv!"

Olivia stopped quickly, so quickly that Elliot took a few steps past her before he skidded to a stop. He saw her standing there, but he couldn't read her expression.

"Let me go." She said, almost begging him. Her judgement was clouded. She knew she should be angry with him, but she found she was angrier with herself.

Elliot held out his hands in a defensive gesture. "Please. Can you just give me a second?" People were moving around them on the sidewalk, and he wished they had a little privacy.

"That's how we ended up here." Olivia said bluntly.

"Please don't let my stupidity ruin everything." It was his turn to beg.

Olivia wanted to laugh. She knew he was referring to the past 10 minutes, but she was still dealing with the past 18 months. "Too late." She knew it was harsh, but she knew her cutting remark was necessary to make her escape. Olivia tore her eyes from his, then turned and raised her arm to hail a cab.

EOEOEOEO

Elliot sat at home in his apartment, cradling his head in his hands, his elbows propped against his knees. He had really made a mess of things. He had been dissecting his entire time with Olivia. The discussion in her apartment, their exchange in the bar, and the walk afterwards. When they had stopped to talk, he had felt something in the air. It hadn't completely been his imagination. Her hands had lingered against his chest, there had been something in her eyes when she had looked at him. He had moved closer and she hadn't pushed him away.

Maybe the beers had clouded his judgment; maybe it had clouded hers.

It was no excuse. He should have known better.

He'd let himself be driven by his emotions, not by common sense.

And now he wasn't sure if he'd ever see her again.

And he didn't know what to do about it. He felt as if he'd pushed her hard enough for one day. She hadn't even been sure she wanted to meet. She had told him that she wasn't sure if she even had the time or strength to try to figure it out, despite everything he'd told her. But he had ignored her objections and concerns, had only focused on what he wanted. What he hoped for.

He pushed himself off the couch with a groan and paced around the room. He had worked so hard to put Olivia in his past. And then one chance meeting had blown it all to hell. It had only taken moments to realize that he'd been a fool if he ever thought he'd be over her. Olivia was in his blood. She always would be.

EOEOEOEOEO

Olivia worked through a wide array of emotions after leaving Elliot on the sidewalk, but by the time she reached her building, she hadn't been able to settle on just one. When she closed the apartment door behind her, she went into the kitchen and opened her corner cabinet, reaching high on the shelf for a bottle of whiskey that had long ago been abandoned. She didn't want to think about Elliot anymore. She didn't want to listen to the voices in her head or feel the ache in her chest. She wanted quiet…oblivion.

Her fingers grazed the glass and she pushed herself further up on her tiptoes, trying to reach it. She cursed when she only succeeded pushing the bottle farther back into the cabinet. She fell back on her feet and uttered a sound of frustration. She grasped the edge of the counter with her hands and stretched out her arms, dropping her head between them.

She was stronger than this.

Olivia straightened up and walked out of the kitchen, heading towards her bedroom. She was going to take a hot shower, climb into bed and try to forget about everything. A good night's sleep would clear her mind and then maybe she could sort through the things Elliot had told her and try to make some sense of it all.

EOEOEOEO

Olivia strode into the squad room, feeling exhausted and irritable. She'd had her hot shower, but sleep had been almost impossible. She had run through everything that Elliot had told her, trying to reconcile that with the anger and abandonment she had nursed for so long. She had ended up in the same place; still angry about his decision to cut her out of his life. But then her thoughts had drifted to their time in the bar and just how familiar it felt, almost as if no time had passed at all. She almost ached to be back there, and she wondered if Elliot was laying in bed thinking the exact same thing.

Then the anger would return. Anger at herself for her weakened resolve and for wanting him back in her life, despite everything.

Over and over again, all night long.

"Morning." Nick offered up as she neared her desk.

Olivia gave him a quick half-smile as she dumped her purse and keys on the top of her desk.

"Rough night?"

"You have no idea." Olivia replied, pulling her chair out and dropping into it.

"Oh, I think I may have an idea." Nick said with a self-satisfied smirk on his face.

"You don't know anything." Olivia snapped back, putting him in his place. She saw him put his hands up in a defensive gesture, and it reminded her of Elliot from the night before. But thankfully, it was only momentary, and Nick was out of his chair a few seconds later.

"How about I get you some coffee." He said, moving towards the built-in counter and the ancient coffeepot.

"I think that's a good idea." Olivia wasn't in any mood to listen to Nick's _advice_ about what she should and shouldn't do when it came to Elliot. "Thank you."

Olivia sorted through some of the files on her desk until she found the one she was looking for. She opened it up and scanned the notes, trying to immerse herself in the details, but the words were swimming in front of her eyes. When her phone buzzed, she jumped, and nearly knocked into Nick's arm as he set down a paper cup of coffee on her desk.

"Jeez." Nick said, stepping back quickly.

"Sorry." Olivia said, meaning it. Nick had taken the brunt of her bad moods right after Elliot had left, and now he was getting it again. "I just need a minute." She snagged her phone off her desk and wandered towards the cribs, willing herself not to look at it until she was in private. She was almost certain it was Elliot and she was damned if it was and damned if it wasn't. If he hadn't messaged her, she knew she would end up texting him by the end of the day.

She had to resolve things between them, one way or the other.

She was almost to the cribs when she heard her name.

"Liv."

Olivia turned when she heard the Captain's voice and he motioned her back towards the squad room. She glanced at the phone in her hand and back at Cragen, but there was no mistaking his urgency.

Elliot would have to wait.

EOEOEOEO

Elliot had left two text messages for Olivia and she hadn't answered either. He wanted to send another one, but he had promised himself he would only send two. He wanted to let her know that he was sorry he had pushed her and that he would wait as long as necessary. That last comment had been risky, because he had told her that before and then had ended up at her apartment.

This time he meant it.

Now that he'd seen her and spent time with her, he was longing for more. But Olivia couldn't be pushed. Not then and not now. She had changed, but he was the one that still knew her best.

He set his phone down on the table and looked at the door, impatient for Kathleen to show up. He needed a distraction.

Elliot glanced back down at his phone and when he looked up again, Kathleen was winding through the tables toward him. She waved when she realized he had spotted her, and she slid into the booth opposite him just a few seconds later.

"Hey Dad."

He grinned at his middle daughter. He was always happy to see the smile on her face. She had come a long way in the last several years, and he was proud of her. "Hi sweetheart." One benefit of living in the city was that he got to see her more often.

"I'm starving." Kathleen grabbed a menu and started looking through it. "What are you going to have?" She asked. "I'm thinking a BLT or maybe a burger…" She prattled on, not even looking up as she decided what to order. When she had finally settled on something, she dropped her menu and looked back at Elliot. "How's it going?"

Elliot gave a half shrug. "Things are okay."

Kathleen pressed her lips together and cocked her head. "Bullshit."

"Language." Elliot said, furrowing his brow.

Kathleen rolled her eyes and Elliot wondered how women passed along that particular skill from generation to generation. "Stop avoiding the subject."

"Which is?" Elliot raised an eyebrow in question.

"The reason you're having a shitty day."

"I didn't say I was having a shitty day." Elliot said, ignoring the language this time.

They were interrupted by a young waiter who wanted to take their orders, and Elliot leaned back against the bench, waiting until he was done.

"So, spill." Kathleen said, taking a sip of water from the glass the waiter had dropped at the table. When Elliot didn't say anything right away, she badgered him slightly. "You know you're going to tell me anyway."

Elliot was once again amazed at how the tables had turned. But she, more than any of his children, understood the connection between he and Olivia. "I saw Olivia yesterday." He saw the gleam in Kathleen's eye, and he knew she was going to pepper him with questions.

He beat her to it.

"I messed up." Kathleen's smile deflated and then he saw her give him a half-smile.

"Maybe it's not as bad as you think." She said optimistically.

"Maybe." He glanced at his phone, but the screen remained dark.

"Tell me what happened." Kathleen sat forward, listening intently.

Elliot started at the beginning, when he went to her apartment and finished with her quick departure in the taxi. She tried to keep her facial expressions neutral, but she was pretty much an open book, confirming that he had screwed up. Of course, he already knew that.

"So, let me sum that up. She asked you to give her some space, and you stuck your tongue in her mouth?"

"Kathleen!" She had always been one to go with shock value. "It wasn't like that."

Kathleen shrugged and snagged a fry off her plate. "What are you going to do?" She stuffed the entire thing in her mouth.

"I have to leave it up to her."

"That's what you said last time."

"Yeah." He sighed heavily.

"You shouldn't have left like that." Kathleen said.

"What was I supposed to do? Climb into the cab with her?"

"I don't mean yesterday." Kathleen said pointedly.

Elliot was surprised by her comment. "You don't know anything about it." He said forcefully, setting his fork down on the table.

"You're right. I don't." She snapped back. "But I do know that Olivia was your partner for over 12 years and that you just left her, without a backwards glance. No matter what happened, she didn't deserve that."

Elliot clenched his jaw. He couldn't believe his own daughter was talking to him like that, but he held his tongue. He couldn't reprimand her when she was right. "I know that." He said quietly. "I told you that I explained what happened."

"I know, but that doesn't make it any less painful." Kathleen said, in a matter-of-fact tone. "She was still hurt."

Elliot nodded. "I know."

They sat in uncomfortable silence, each of them picking at their food.

"It'll work out." Kathleen said.

Elliot wasn't sure if she was just trying to make him feel better of if she really believed it.


	12. Chapter 12

Olivia and Nick walked dejectedly into the squad room, and they'd barely reach their desks when they heard Cragen.

"Benson. My office."

Olivia looked up and saw Cragen standing in the doorway of his office, looking annoyed. Her eyes shot over to Nick, and she saw he was looking at her too. As soon as her eyes connected with his, his gaze slipped away, and she knew that she was on her own. She grabbed a half-empty bottle of water off her desk and headed towards Cragen's office. He stepped aside as she passed inside and closed the door behind her. Olivia stood as Cragen rounded his desk, fidgeting with the lid of the water bottle.

Cragen just stared at her for a moment, and Olivia knew he was taking a moment to calm down before he spoke. This wasn't the first time she'd stood in this same place, and most likely, it wouldn't be the last.

"Do you want to tell me what happened out there today?" Cragen asked pointedly.

Olivia knew exactly what he was asking, but she didn't need Cragen to chastise her. She had been beating herself up ever since she'd messed up the surveillance of their suspect. "He got by me." She said, working hard to keep her eyes trained on her Captain.

"And someone got hurt."

"I know." She and Nick had been sitting in separate spots, had different viewpoints. She had missed their suspect exiting the building on her side, and he'd come up behind Nick. The man hadn't known Nick was a cop, but as he'd passed, Nick had recognized him and surprised him, earning a slug in the face. A footrace had ensued, with their suspect weaving in and out of traffic. Olivia had been spurred into action, but she hadn't arrived in time to help Nick or prevent the crash of a car and a bicycle. Neither one had seriously been injured, but it was her action, or lack thereof, that had caused the chain of events. She was responsible.

"Do you want to tell me how you could have possibly missed him, when you were stationed just outside the door of his building? He would have had to walk right by you."

Olivia didn't have an answer; not one that she could share. Surveillance on your own was always tricky and Cragen knew that, but the plan had been for him to spot him and alert Nick and push him towards her partner. But she'd been distracted by reading her messages from Elliot and trying to figure out how and if to respond. She'd only looked for a few seconds, she swore.

Cragen couldn't possibly know that.

Maybe it was just the usual buttoning down when she or one of the others made a mistake. A case she screwed up when she had been partnered with Elliot came to mind. A distraction caused by her brother.

"I heard Elliot was in the station house yesterday." Cragen said when she didn't respond.

Olivia let her eyes drop and she twisted the water bottle in her hands. "That doesn't have anything to do with this."

"It's a coincidence then?"

She lifted her head to look at him again. Olivia couldn't tell from Cragen's inflection if it was a question, or a comment. She chose to believe it was the latter and stayed silent. He had obviously already reached his own conclusion. She had learned from experience that any attempt to dissuade him was pointless.

She saw that Cragen wanted to say more but was trying really hard not to overstep. He'd been a witness, a referee, a mentor, a counselor, and sometimes, an unwilling participant in the partnership between she and Elliot. He had earned a right to meddle a little.

"I ran into him." She started. "Unintentionally." Olivia saw Cragen nod. "It's just…" She twisted the bottle in her hands again as she pressed her lips together, unable to define what the past few days had been like for her.

"Yeah." Cragen said. He pulled out his chair and sat down with a heavy sigh.

Olivia knew that Cragen understood the strain Elliot's departure and absence had caused her. He had pushed her to move forward, and at the time, she had hated him for it. But she knew he had her best interests at heart. He always had.

"I think that maybe it would be best if you took a few days off." Cragen said, flipping open a folder she assumed to be hers. She knew there had to be a penalty for the scene she had caused today, and that his suggestion was an order.

"How many?" Olivia asked.

"Three days without pay." He said sternly, looking down as he made a note in her jacket.

Olivia nodded. "Understood." She knew the conversation was over, and she turned towards the door. Before she could open it, Cragen spoke again.

"Liv."

She twisted around to look at him, her hand still on the door. "If you need more days, to get everything resolved, you have them coming."

Olivia heard the message loud and clear. Take the time you need to get things resolved with Elliot, because you can't bring it back into the squad room. She nodded. "Thanks, Cap'n."

Olivia closed the door behind her and hesitated a moment after leaving Cragen's office. She saw Nick, Fin and Munch look up at her expectedly. It wasn't unlike any other time any of them were called on the carpet. They wanted to know what had happened.

Olivia headed towards her desk and Nick's gaze followed her. She saw the bruise on Nick's face, swollen and starting to color, and she felt a stab of guilt.

"Well?"

"Two days." She said.

"That's bullshit." Nick started, but she put up a hand and he stopped.

"Seems like a fair trade for that bruise on your face." She said, motioning towards Nick.

"Shit happens all the time. Cap'n can't call you out on that." Fin said.

Olivia hated these her squad was defending her when guilt was eating away at her. "It was my fault. I let myself get distracted and people got hurt." She grabbed her notes off her desk and sorted through them quickly. She didn't see anything that couldn't wait, so she dropped them again and grabbed her purse and her keys.

"Liv." Fin called to her, and she could only imagine what he had to say.

"I have to get going." She saw Fin stand up and she let out a sigh. They were her team and she appreciated how they were trying to rally around her, support her. But everyone was just a little too close to the truth, and she knew each of them had an opinion about Elliot that she did not want to hear. Her mind was already filled with enough of her own conflicting opinions.

"If you need anything…" Nick said.

"I've got all of your numbers." Olivia said, finally escaping the squad room.

EOEOEOEO

Olivia tucked her legs beneath as she curled up on her couch. She pulled her throw off the back of the couch and covered herself with it, sinking back into the cushions. She felt mentally and emotionally exhausted and wasn't all that upset about having two days off to sort everything out. She had made a mistake in thinking work would be a welcome distraction.

Elliot was the distraction.

And he wasn't going anywhere.

She couldn't take back their chance meeting. She couldn't forget everything that he'd told her, or the evening they'd spent together. She wasn't going to be able to put the genie back into the bottle.

Her phone was sitting on the coffee table and she leaned over and grabbed at it, opening up her messages. The same two messages from Elliot were sitting there. He hadn't sent any more after that, despite her lack of response, and she appreciated his restraint.

It had never been his strong suit, but perhaps he'd changed over the past eighteen months as well.

Olivia hit REPLY but her fingers hovered over the keyboard.

There was so much to say, but the words wouldn't come.

This was the same thing she'd been pondering when she had missed their suspect.

Olivia closed the messaging app and opened the phone app instead. She held her finger over Elliot's number, wondering if she was making a mistake. She hit the button before she could talk herself out of it.

EOEOEOEOEO

Elliot pulled his phone out of his pocket, intent on silencing it. But to his surprise, he saw Olivia's name on the screen. He excused himself and stepped out of the line at the deli, motioning for his friend to go ahead without him.

"Hey." Elliot answered as he stepped outside and on to the sidewalk.

"It's Olivia."

"I still have your number in my phone." Elliot said. He knew it was a small thing, but he wanted her to know that he hadn't excised her completely from his life.

"Hmm."

Elliot realized that it had been a stupid thing to say. It just reminded her that he hadn't called. "It's good to hear from you." He said quickly. "I'm glad you called."

"Always the optimist."

"If you were never going to talk to me again, you wouldn't have called."

Olivia hated that he was right once again, and she almost regretted calling.

"Don't hang up." Elliot said, chastising himself when his comment was met with silence. "I've been hoping to hear from you."

"I just wanted to let you know that I got your messages." Olivia had thought it would be easier to talk on the phone than to message him, but she'd been wrong. "I just wanted to tell you that."

"Okay." Elliot could hear tension in her voice. "Are you okay?" He asked, suddenly concerned. "Did something happen?"

Olivia found that she wanted to tell him about her suspension, about how she'd messed up. Maybe that was why she had called him. But now that she had him on the line, she couldn't. He wasn't her partner anymore. It wasn't his job to listen to her problems, even if he was at the root of them. "I just wanted to let you know that I got your messages and I'm not sure…" She stopped. "I'm still trying to figure this all out."

Elliot felt a stab of disappointment, but he knew he had to be patient. "I understand." There was an awkward silence and he searched for something to say. "If you want to meet up again, just say the word. I'll come to you or meet you somewhere or…" He knew he sounded desperate, but it was okay, because he was. "Whatever you want."

"Thank you." Olivia said right before she disconnected the call.

EOEOEOEOEO

Elliot stood on the sidewalk staring at his phone for a few moments, wishing she would call him back or that he could call her back, but he knew neither would happen. He glanced back at the deli, but his appetite was gone. He had been the one to ask his friend Sam to meet him for lunch, but he wasn't in the mood right now. He ducked in and made his apologies, claiming an urgent matter, and headed back out.

As he walked, he tried to dissect the conversation. She had told him she still needed some time and space, but still, she had reached out. He knew that meant something. He just wasn't sure what. He'd like to think that since she had called, there was a chance for them. But there was a small part of him that worried that the more she avoided him, the easier it would be to dismiss him completely. It took everything in him to stay the course and go home when the only thing he could think of was going to the precinct.

He had to have faith.

EOEOEOEOEO

Elliot pushed his dinner around his plate, knowing he should eat but unable to stomach the food. He had been pacing around his apartment all afternoon, trying to distract himself with reading, television, cleaning up and laundry. None of them had taken his mind off of Olivia.

He tossed his fork down angrily and it clattered against the plate.

There was a part of him that wished he hadn't run into her again. He wouldn't be hurting like this.

Wanting.

Hoping.

He wondered what would happen if Olivia decided there was no place for him in her life. He wouldn't be able to bury himself in a series of meaningless dates again. Fake relationships, void of emotion.

He couldn't.

Elliot pushed himself out of his chair. He couldn't sit here any longer. He knew he had promised to give her space, but he needed to talk to her. He needed to tell her exactly what she meant to him. What he wanted. What he hoped for. If she was going to make a decision, she had to know.

He made his way to the entry and nabbed his keys from the small table. He reached for the door but was surprised when he heard a knock. He swung the door open, wondering who in the hell it could be, when he froze at the sight before him.

"Olivia."


	13. Chapter 13

"Olivia."

"Hey." Olivia said, dropping her hand to her side. "I'm sorry. Were you going somewhere?" She asked, motioning towards the keys in his hand.

"What?" Elliot asked, still surprised to see Olivia standing outside his door.

"Your keys."

"Oh." Elliot said, lifting his hand and looking at the keys, as if surprised they were there. "No." He said, shaking his head as he looked back at Olivia. "No. I was just…" He let the sentence trail off. "How did you know where I live?"

Olivia cocked her head and gave him a look that told him it was a stupid question.

"Yeah." He said. "You're a cop." Elliot saw Olivia look away glancing up and down the hallway, and he could tell she was unsure about being there. "Come in." he said, taking a step backwards and holding the door as he motioned for her to come in. She hesitated a few seconds and then across the threshold.

Olivia's nerves were on overdrive. The moment the door closed behind her she felt a moment of panic, but she pushed it back down. She had already turned around two times on her way here but had convinced herself she needed to have this conversation. She wasn't going to turn back now.

Olivia took a moment to look around. The entry was small with a narrow galley kitchen to her right and the living room straight ahead. There was a dining room table to her left, big enough for four and beyond that, she saw a hallway that she assumed led to a bedroom and bathroom. It wasn't a large place but looked like it had been recently renovated. The room looked and smelled like him, and she wondered how long he had lived in this spot.

"Do you want the grand tour?" Elliot asked, brushing by her as he walked farther into the living room.

"Um…maybe later." Olivia appreciated Elliot's attempt to put her at ease, but she was nervous. "Maybe a beer?" She knew she probably shouldn't have a drink, but she just needed to relax a little. A beer seemed like a safe option.

"Sure." Elliot said. He walked past her again and disappeared into the kitchen. She heard the clink of glassware and took another opportunity to look around. The apartment was sparsely furnished, but she saw several family photos decorating a long table beneath the windows. There was a small plant on the table as well. She didn't know why that struck her as odd. Maybe she couldn't see Elliot keeping a plant alive.

As she got closer, she saw a photo of a small boy at the front of the table that she assumed was Eli. She leaned over to take a closer look at the little boy with the mop of blonde curls.

"He's a handful." Elliot said with a laugh.

Olivia straightened up and turned around. "He's gotten so big."

"Almost five." Elliot handed one of the glasses of beer to Olivia, keeping the other for himself.

"Hard to believe it's been that long."

"Kathy is anxious for him to go to school in the fall. Full day kindergarten. He's ready for it and so it she."

Olivia loved the way Elliot beamed with pride whenever he talked about his children. She was glad that at least that hadn't changed. "Sounds like he's a full-blooded Stabler."

"He has a lot of energy." Elliot said as he sat down on the couch. "Or else I'm just getting old." He watched as Olivia settled on the edge of the oversized chair. He saw her bite back a smile and he knew there was a comment there, but she let it pass. He took a drink of his beer and set it on the large, wooden coffee table. "I'm guessing you didn't come here to talk about Eli." He saw Olivia's smile fade.

Olivia glanced down at the beer she was holding in her hands. "I don't know why I came here."

Elliot didn't respond. Olivia had said it under her breath, and he wasn't sure he was meant to hear. "I'm glad you're here." He thought about what he'd been planning on telling her as he had headed for the door, but he knew now that he had to tread carefully. "When you called…before…I figured it might be a while before I'd hear from you."

"I thought so too." Olivia took a long drink of her beer, draining one-third of the glass. She set it down on the coffee table to keep herself from downing the rest of the glass. She stared at it for a moment, avoiding Elliot's eyes. She had been trying to figure out how to tell Elliot what was on her mind, but hadn't landed on anything specific, other than to just dive right in. "I got suspended today." Olivia's eyes flicked up to his to gauge his reaction. She caught the look of surprise and the question in his eyes before he resumed a neutral expression.

"That helps explain what you're doing here at four in the afternoon drinking a beer." He had been wondering, but he hadn't dared ask. He had assumed, rightfully so, that it would come out.

"I messed up on a stakeout and people got hurt."

"_You_ messed up?" Elliot said. It was just like Olivia to take all of the blame. "That partner of yours had to have something do with it."

Olivia shook her head. "It was me." She ignored his remark about Nick as she reached for her beer. She stared at the amber liquid, took a sip, and then glanced back up at Elliot. "And you."

"Me?" Elliot asked, confused.

Olivia looked back at her beer. Somehow it was easier not to look at him, but she could still feel his eyes on her. "I was distracted." She pressed her lips together, knowing that she needed to end this once and for all. "I let myself get distracted."

Elliot didn't need her to tell him the details. The fact that she was here told him all that he needed to know. "I'm sorry."

"I didn't come here for an apology." Olivia closed her eyes and took in a deep breath, searching for the will to do what she had to do. She lifted her head and looked across the coffee table at Elliot. "I came because I can't stop thinking about everything that's happened since I ran into you that night at Jensen's. And that's the problem." She set her beer glass back on the table. "Everything you've told me, everything you've said, it just runs on a constant loop in my head and I just haven't had enough time to sort it all out."

"I said I'd give you space. If you feel like I've been pushing you, I'm sorry."

"I told you that I'm not here for an apology." She snapped back, a little louder than she'd intended. She ran her hand through her hair, trying to tuck it behind her ear and failing as she regained her composure. She ran the palm of her hands down her thighs, summoning the strength to ask the question that she'd landed on during her taxi ride to Elliot's. "I just need to put an end to this. So, I can stop thinking about it."

"And end to what?" Elliot asked, feeling the first thread of panic settle in his gut.

"This." Olivia motioned between the two of them. She saw Elliot was about to say something…to object…but she pushed on. "I can't stop thinking about everything you said, and everything I thought I know, but it all comes back to one question. What if you hadn't walked into Jensen's that night?"

Elliot wasn't sure if it was a rhetorical question or not, but he couldn't keep himself from answering. "But I did."

"Yes, but if you hadn't, I wouldn't be sitting here right now." Olivia said pointedly.

"What's your point?" He knew Olivia had something she wanted to say; he just needed her to say it, so he knew what he was dealing with.

"My point is that all of this is due to pure chance. You never intended to call me. Or see me." She held up her hand when she saw that Elliot was about to interrupt. "I don't want to rehash all the reasons. It's just that while all of this has been running through my head, I just realized that none of this would be happening if you hadn't walked into _that_ restaurant on at _that_ particular time."

Elliot scrubbed his hands down his face. "So, you're saying that because I didn't _plan_ on running into you, what? We shouldn't be talking to each other?" He shook his head.

"Yes." Olivia almost choked on the word. She pushed herself out of her chair and walked towards the window, turning her back to Elliot. Her eyes fell on the photos laid out in front of her and landed on one of the two of them. She picked it up, looking at both of them, smiling, their arms slung carelessly around each other. She remembered the moment, taken some time before Gitano, Oregon, Sealview. Eli. She felt tears well up in her eyes. Tears for who they used to be, and who they used to be to each other.

She heard Elliot get up and seconds later, he was standing beside her, peering down at the photograph as his arm bumped into hers.

"That's one of my favorite photos of us." He said quietly.

"This seems like so long ago."

"It was."

"So much has happened since then." She said with a sigh.

"Good and bad." Elliot said, knowing she was thinking about all of the things that had gone wrong in the past five or six years since that photo has been taken.

"We can't go back." Olivia said, shaking her head. "We can't get back to where we were then." Her voice was barely a whisper, affected by her thoughts and Elliot's proximity.

"I don't want to go back." Elliot said. He leaned over and tried to capture her eyes, but she avoided his stare. "Liv. We're different people now. Circumstances are different. I just want to figure out how to go forward. Can we just put the past behind us and try to figure that out?"

Olivia looked up at him, searching his eyes. "You're just asking me to forget everything that happened?"

"No. I'm not saying that." Elliot sighed. "I'm just asking you to stop fighting this. People say that everything happens for a reason, so maybe I was meant to run into you that night. Maybe it was God's way of saying _wake up you asshole_. _You know you're missing your best friend and the love of your life and you need to get over your shit and find her. Talk to her. Work this out_." Elliot took a chance and reached out, placing his hand lightly on her lower back. "Please, tell me that we can just keep talking and seeing each other."

Olivia was still reeling from his outpouring. She knew it was emotional, but the words best friend and love of your life had made an indelible mark on her heart. Her mind had been telling her all of the reasons why she shouldn't give him another chance, but she knew her heart had been in charge the entire time. Maybe she just needed him to convince her…to plead and beg.

Elliot could see the tears on her lower lashes, and it hurt. He never wanted to see her cry. "Liv." He said in a rush of breath. "You've always been smarter than me. Braver than me. Don't let my stupidity get in the way of what we both want."

Olivia swallowed hard and closed her eyes for a moment, causing her silent tears to stream down her face. She clutched the picture of them to her chest and leaned in. It was only seconds later that Elliot's arms wrapped around her in an embrace and pulled her to him. She lay her head on his chest and took a deep breath, the first one in what seemed like a long time.


	14. Chapter 14

AN: Thanks to everyone that's been reading this story. I'm sorry it took so long to get back to it! But this is the ending. Enjoy.

EOEOEOEO

Two months later

Olivia saw Elliot sitting at a table near the back. As soon as he saw her, he broke into smile and she wove through the tables to meet him. She still felt butterflies in her stomach each time she saw him now, wondering what emotions would be dredged up over the course of the evening.

That fateful night in his apartment, when he'd held her in his arms and she had agreed to try to figure this out with him, seemed so long ago. They had both been busy, or maybe she was still trying to keep him at arm's length, but whatever the reasons, this was only their fourth time they'd been able to meet since that night.

The past three had been good. Tentative beginnings followed by a return to familiarity. They had laid some ground rules, agreeing that nothing was off limits. They had both agreed to respect each other's emotions and feelings and thoughts, without argument. To keep them true to their word, they had mutually agreed that for now, they should meet in public. That meant dinners in restaurants, where they could sit and linger with a nice dinner and a glass of wine, and conversation would be civil.

It was the closest thing to real communication they'd ever had. They had talked about who they were now, what had changed, and the forces that had changed them. They asked questions about things that had long gone unanswered. She was learning a lot about Elliot. It made her see him in a completely different way. She was pretty sure he felt the same way about her.

There hadn't been any declarations of love between them, but there was an unspoken understanding there, as the underlying current. They hadn't spoken about what the future held for them…but nothing had been taken off the table. There hadn't been a kiss, or intimacy of any kind beyond the hug in her apartment and yet they both felt the pull that could lead them there.

"Hey." Elliot stood up as she neared. Olivia smiled. He'd been big on formalities, holding door's open and such, at each of these meetings. It made these dinners seem more like dates, but she knew he was just trying to be on his best behavior. She leaned in and he kissed her cheek before she sat down across from him.

"I ordered some wine, but then I thought, maybe you wanted something different, so if that's not what you want…"

"Wine is fine." Olivia said, putting a stop to his rambling.

Elliot nodded. "OK." He didn't know why he was so nervous. Maybe because he couldn't help but think that one of these nights, she wouldn't show up. Or she would decide this was their last meeting. Even though Olivia had never given him any indication of either.

"I'm sorry we had to reschedule the other night." Olivia said. "You know. Work." She said as she grasped the menu in front of her.

"No problem." Elliot said. "I'm just glad we could find a night that worked."

"Were you afraid that I wasn't going to reschedule?" Olivia could sense that Elliot was as nervous as she was.

"Maybe a little." Elliot confessed.

"We agreed that we were going to be honest with each other." Olivia said. She wanted to let him know that she'd been serious when she agreed to that. "If I wasn't going to meet you again, I would tell you that I was done." She gave him a small smile as she leaned back in her chair. "So far, you haven't done anything to piss me off and make me want to ditch you."

"So far?" Elliot laughed. He appreciated her efforts to ease his fears. "Are you expecting me to do something that'll tick you off?"

Olivia shrugged, but she smiled as she did it.

The waiter delivered their wine, but Elliot asked the waiter to give them a few minutes before ordering. Elliot lifted his glass and took a sip, and Olivia did the same. They both set their glasses down on the table, but there was an awkward silence between them.

Elliot leaned forward. "I want to tell you something."

Olivia raised a brow in question, hoping that he remembered the ground rules they'd set.

"I'm always a little nervous before we get together."

"I already told you that if I wasn't going to show, I'd tell you."

"It's not that." Elliot said, leaning back in his chair. "I think I'm worried about how the night will go. That I'll say something or do something that'll make you decide this isn't worth it."

Olivia nodded. "I feel the same way."

"I thought I'd be over it by now." Elliot said.

"I know." Olivia agreed. She shrugged one shoulder. "Maybe it's a good thing."

"Why would it be a good thing?" Elliot asked.

"It means we care about how this goes."

"I guess." Elliot sighed. He watched as Olivia fiddled with the stem of her wineglass. "I've really enjoyed spending this time with you." He said, repeating the same thing he'd told her at the end of every dinner together.

Olivia flashed him a smile. "Me too."

"I'm wondering, if maybe…it's time to move on." He saw the look of concern on Olivia's face. "Not like that…" He said, even though he wasn't quite sure what was on her mind. "I just meant…these dinners have been good. But, these nicer restaurants…" He shrugged slightly. "They make it seem more formal." He reached across the table and pressed his hand against hers, stilling it against the wineglass. "I thought that maybe tonight, we could do something different."

"What?" Olivia was surprised by his suggestion, not sure of his intent.

"Let's go somewhere else. Get a burger and a beer."

Olivia broke into a smile. That sounded so fantastic, and she was almost sorry she hadn't suggested it herself.

"I'll take that as a yes?" He saw Olivia nod. Elliot fished his wallet out of his back pocket and took out a twenty-dollar bill and tossed it on the table. "Let's go."

Olivia pushed through the door to the restaurant with Elliot close on her heels. "Which way?"

Elliot jerked his head to the right and they both headed that way, falling into an easy stride. They walked about two blocks before Elliot slipped his hand into Olivia's. He couldn't hold back a smile when she didn't pull away. In fact, he felt her squeeze his hand slightly as they walked, and he sighed in relief.

This was them.

"Thank you." Olivia said. "The last three dinners were good, but tonight felt…"

"We're ready to move on."

"I guess so." She trusted their new relationship more now. She couldn't say that she didn't go home and spend hours after revisiting their conversation, but for the most part, she was happy with the progress they'd made. She hadn't lied when she said she was still nervous prior to their dinners, but it was mixed with excitement and anticipation. She glanced over at Elliot and smiled. Six months ago, if someone had told her that she'd be walking down the street holding hands with Elliot, she would have taken them to Bellevue.

"What's that smile for?" Elliot asked.

"I'm just happy to be here. With you." Olivia loved that she could be honest with him like this. The old Olivia would have been terrified to say something like that, but her attitude had changed. She had already lost him once and it had been one of the most painful times in her life. Now that they'd made the mutual decision to work on their friendship, or whatever it became, she knew she had to give it everything she had. It had been incredibly hard for her at first, but now, it was freeing. Her honesty had spurred him to speak up as well, and while it wasn't always perfect, it was getting damned close.

Her change of attitude and mood hadn't gone unnoticed by Amaro and the others in the squad room, but if they wondered about the cause of it, they had wisely kept their questions to themselves.

"Well, I'm happy that you're happy." Elliot said, feeling himself grinning from ear to ear. They came up on a small corner joint they had visited a few times before. "How about here?"

"Sure."

Elliot held the door open for her, ushering her through. She didn't argue as he placed his hand on the small of her back and followed her in to the bar. It was a little crowded, and he couldn't help but notice a couple of guys checking her out as they walked by. In the time they'd been apart, he'd forgotten about the looks and comments she'd elicited, but he couldn't blame them.

He thought she was the most beautiful woman in the world.

They found a small table in the back and they both slid into their respective seats on either side of the booth. Elliot couldn't help but notice how Olivia crossed her leg, pressing her foot against shin, and he wondered if it was purposeful or just due to the size of the booth.

They both ordered a beer and a burger, and it just felt so normal.

"Something's changed." Elliot said.

Their waiter was back with their beers but was gone just as quickly. Olivia wrapped her hand around the handle. "What do you mean?"

"Change of venue, change of attitude?"

Olivia shrugged. "This just feels more like…us."

Elliot had noticed the word _us_, but he let it go. He didn't want to ruin the casual mood the change in venue had created. "Are you saying the probationary period is over?" Elliot chuckled.

Olivia rolled her eyes. "Who said there was a probationary period? And if there is, why would you think I'm in charge?"

"You're always in charge."

Olivia shook her head, but there was a smile on her face. She had missed this playfulness between them. "I'm just saying that I'm glad we're here."

Elliot knew she wasn't talking about the restaurant. "Me too."

Olivia glanced down at her beer, feeling a slight flush in her cheeks. She didn't know if it was the change in their mutual moods, or if it was the way Elliot was looking at her, but she hid behind her mug, taking a sip of her beer. Elliot was right. Something had definitely shifted, and she knew she was responsible for a lot of it. Sometime in the past couple of days, she had realized that she was happier than she had been in a long time. Elliot was all in; he wasn't going anywhere. He had been attentive without pushing, checking in via text every once in a while. She had texted him on the days he wasn't in contact with her.

They had found a good balance, and she was hopeful.

Their burgers came, along with another round of beers. They chatted easily, catching up on Fin's new girlfriend, Munch's latest conspiracies, and a few of Olivia's cases. They talked about Elliot's security assignments, and the latest with the kids.

"Hey, that reminds me. I have Eli this weekend and I was thinking about taking him to the Central Park Zoo." Elliot forged ahead. "I thought that maybe, you'd like to see him. Maybe…come with us." He knew that her acceptance signaled a big change for them. They hadn't brought anyone into their new reality, preferring to keep it to themselves for now.

Olivia nodded. "I'd really like that."

"Good." Elliot felt something loosening inside of him. The hope he'd been harboring felt brighter now.

"If I'm not intruding."

"Eli will be happy to see you." Elliot says. "He knows the story."

"He's five." Olivia couldn't help the feeling of warmth that spread over her when Elliot told her that Eli knew who she was.

"Well, he doesn't know all the details. But he knows who you are."

"Well, I'd really like that." Olivia said, and she meant it. "It's a date."

"Will that count as our first date?" Elliot asked, trying to make it come out as playful, but feeling the emotion behind it. By the look on Olivia's face, she felt it too.

"No." She said. She dropped her eyes to her beer and ran her finger around the rim of the mug.

"Oh." Elliot said, and even he could hear the disappointment in his voice.

"I kind of thought maybe this was our first date." Olivia said, looking up at him through her lashes.

"Yeah?" Elliot broke into a grin, feeling the heat of her stare and her words. Just when he thought he couldn't be happier, she surprised him. He reached across the table and took her hand in his, torn between showing restraint and letting her know how much this leap of faith meant to him. In lieu of anything, he just sat there with this ridiculous grin on his face. He saw a matching smile on her face, so he assumed she knew how he felt.

Olivia turned her hand and tangled her fingers with hi. "I was even thinking, that if you play your cards right, you may even get a shot at a redo on that first kiss."

Now Elliot really couldn't keep the grin off his face. All his good fortune was piling up. He squeezed her hand. "You'd better believe me when I say, I'm going to be on my best possible behavior."

"We'll see." Olivia said as she pulled her hand back from his and took a sip of her beer.

"You ready to go?" Elliot asked, raising one eyebrow.

"We haven't even eaten yet." Olivia reacted, before she realized he was teasing her. "Got it." She shook her head. "Not yet."

As luck would have it, their burgers and another round of beers were delivered just moments later. Elliot couldn't help but stare at her during the meal, and he was torn between wanting to spend more time with her and wanting the evening to end so he could get that kiss. But luckily, they fell back into easy conversation over their dinner, and he relaxed into it. So much so, that when she suggested they leave an hour later, he was somewhat surprised.

"It's still early." Elliot said, looking at his watch.

"It's been a long day." Olivia said. "And there is only so much of the Stabler charm I can handle in one day." She smirked at him. "Besides, it's a beautiful night, so we can walk home."

"It's got to be at least 3 miles to your apartment."

"I need to walk off this burger and these beers." She winked at him. "Have to watch my figure."

"I've been watching your figure, and it looks just fine from what I can see." He knew she'd thrown that softball up there, probably to see if he'd comment or not, but he didn't mind batting at it. "You're always the most beautiful woman in the room."

Olivia felt herself flush slightly. She wasn't used to hearing comments on her physical traits from him, and she'd been kind of surprised he'd felt comfortable saying anything at all. She supposed the promised kiss had set the stage for that kind of comment, and she had to admit it made her feel good. "Thank you."

"Let's get out of here." Elliot wasn't sure how he was going to last for three miles, but as luck would have it, when they got outside, it had started to rain. It was light, but they would be drenched if they walked. Olivia didn't argue as he hailed a cab, and she rattled off her address as they slid inside and closed the door.

Elliot counted every one of the thirty minutes it took in the grid-locked traffic to get to her place.

The rain had picked up, which complicated things a bit for Olivia. She had intended on a quick goodnight on the sidewalk, in the darker recesses away from the lights. As the cab glided to a stop, she turned to Elliot. "Walk me inside?"

Elliot was glad that she had invited him in. He was worried that she would end up jumping out of the cab with a rushed good night and leave him wistfully waiting for a chance at that kiss. He paid the driver quickly and followed her out of the cab, and they both rushed to get inside and out of the rain. Elliot tried really hard to focus on anything but her ass as he walked up the stairs behind her, but gave in. He was only human.

They reached Olivia's door and she turned around quickly, making him pull up short. She had her keys in her hand and a half smile on her face. "I had a really good time tonight."

Elliot chuckled at the clichéd line. "Me too."

"I know that sounds stupid, but I really did. Tonight, just felt…different." She knew a lot of it was her. She was letting go a little. Trusting him more. Allowing herself to hope.

"It's not stupid. I know exactly what you're saying." He took a few steps closer, closing the gap between them. He reached up and ran a finger along her jawline. "You know I feel the same way." His eyes lingered on her lips for a moment before meeting her eyes again. He wanted that kiss, but he wasn't going to make the same mistake he'd made before. Even though she'd give what sounded like permission at the bar, he needed her to make the first move. He dropped his hand from her face and shifted on his feet.

Olivia's heart was beating in anticipation, but she could sense Elliot's hesitation. She appreciated it, but right now, but was surprised that Elliot wasn't being more forward when she'd pretty much told him what she wanted to happen. "Well…"

"Well…" Elliot shoved his hands in his pockets to keep himself from reaching out and touching her again. He shifted on his feet again, waiting her out.

Olivia couldn't take the anticipation any longer. She took a step closer, her body only inches from his, and placed a hand against the wall of his chest. She lifted her head slightly, looking up at him through her lashes, her lips close to brushing against his. "El…"

Elliot heard his name in one heated breath, and her intent was clear. He pulled his hands from his pockets and slid them up the outside of her arms, until he was framing her face with his hands. He tilted her head up slightly, staring right into her eyes. He heard a sharp intake of breath as he leaned in and then his lips were on hers. He kissed her softly at first, tasting, testing. He pulled her lower lip gently in between his, sucking lightly before releasing her mouth. It was just for a moment though. He slid the fingers of his right hand into her hair and tilted her head slightly, pressing his mouth more demandingly against hers. Olivia hummed in appreciation, and he felt her hands move to his waist, pulling him slightly closer. She opened her mouth to him, and he deepened the kiss.

Olivia felt the kiss all the way down to her toes and she dug her fingers into the material at his waist, clutching his shirt in her hands. Elliot slid his left hand from her jaw over her shoulder and down her back, until it settled on the small of her back and she couldn't stop thinking about where else she wanted him to touch her. She felt herself shiver at the thought, and she dug her fingers into the waistband of Elliot's jeans.

Elliot tugged Olivia's hair slightly, forcing her head back a little, before he slipped his tongue inside of her mouth. He knew this was going much farther than any first kiss should, but this was so much more. It was the beginning of something…the break in the proverbial dam of lust and desire that had been in place for more years than he could count.

Olivia knew now what people meant when they said they felt weak in the knees. Her passion matched Elliot's and she wasn't holding back. Kissing Elliot was like everything she had ever imagined, and he was slowly walking her backwards, until she felt the hard surface of the door behind her. It was a harsh reminder that they were standing outside of her apartment, and she pushed back against Elliot's chest, breaking the kiss. "El." She said, trying to breath and to regain her composure. At that moment, the elevator dinged, and she looked past him, down the hall, and watched as one of her neighbors emerged.

Elliot dropped his hands from her but braced one arm against the door. His mind was drunk with the taste of feel of her, and he stared at her lips, hungry for more. "Yeah." He said, trying to slow his breathing and his heart rate.

"I think I'd better…" She motioned towards the door behind her.

"Are you going to invite me in?" He knew he was being presumptuous. She had promised a kiss and he knew he shouldn't push her, but he couldn't think straight.

Olivia knew exactly what Elliot was asking, and she wanted that more than everything right now. But she'd been intent on taking things slowly and tonight was already a huge step forward for them. She wasn't sure she was ready…that they were ready…for everything that sex between them implied. "Don't you think you've had enough kissing for one night?" She said playfully, wanting to keep things light. "Besides, this is our first date. I don't typically let strange men into my apartment."

Elliot accepted her denial with grace. He knew she was absolutely right. "That's probably a good policy." He said, giving her a small smile as he looked down at her. He knew they were playing a game now, but it was good. It gave them both a chance to cool off a little and end the evening on a high note. "You never know what kind of trouble you might get in to."

Olivia smiled, lifting her head slightly and brushing her lips against his. "Luckily, we already have a second date on the books."

The promise in those words was all Elliot needed. He gave her a soft kiss, and then himself off the door and took a few steps backwards. He smiled, seeing the flush in her cheeks that undoubtedly matched his. "Good night Liv."

Olivia watched as Elliot turned and walked back down the hallway. He glanced back once and gave her a quick wave before he disappeared, and Olivia couldn't help but smile.

A chance meeting had brought them back together, but now, they were in charge of their future. It seemed that for once, fate was working in her favor. It had brought Elliot back to her, right where he belonged. She smiled as she let herself into her apartment, looking forward to the days…weeks…years ahead.


End file.
